I have been writing more... just not here. I have found my ambition is returning. My life is packed but my brain is telling me to do more! I need to as always find a good balance. Work is alright though I'm bored. I have gotten even better at being a server especially the side work that I was so slow at because I disliked it so much. I'm learning some good lessons about office politics at a job that does not matter so much to me.
School is going well but I do not know how I did it in college. I know I worked less but I truly think that my being such an introvert in college meant I had time to do class work... or it was easy for me. Writing is not easy for me. I fight myself to sit down to do it and it is just a lot of work. You have to write the first draft and get ideas down. Try to find the deeper story and do more drafts! I do not even know grammar like I want to. My IT class is interesting just because I had fear about computers and really I just need patience.
Patience is what I need in the other main worries in my life right now - dating and health. I probably shared the story about the guy I'm dating (but not serious) to too many people which is amusing since I was angry about him sharing too much so I go out and share too much. I did think we were a lot alike. I had a talk to him about it and it is better. I point blanked asked him "Are you a douche? Do you like to f**k with people's emotions for fun?" He said no. I think I asked it that way because I was pushing him away. He was disrespectful but it was not horrible. It is just easier for me to be single. I will continue to date him because I need the practice. He is fun and I like him. He is just annoying and most likely not long term dating material for me, but I remembered that I was not looking for long term. At this point, I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I want which is irritating because I have always prided myself on knowing myself. I did want to experience new things. Oh right, I'm also emailing other men on OkCupid but time is starting to be a factor. Dating uses up lots of time and I have other things I want to do.
Patience is a great factor in the health area. I almost jumped into surgery too fast. I'm getting a second opinion October 19th so I have to be patient but I don't want to. I only have slight back pain once in a while so I can live with it. My period started today and I'm not having massive pain in my back or abdomen so my worries are less. It is early so maybe I will get a surprise later but at this time I have less fear. Maybe I will have time to find a better job that has benefits, but since that implies I would be searching for a job, I'm unsure about that actually happening.
The friend and family front is great. Dating has made me think about my friends and family. I'm now making more time to see and hang out with people. I'm content.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I lost my biggest gamble
I, like many 20 somethings, was gambling with health insurance. I could have even got health insurance through my work but talked it over with my mother and just thought for what I needed, it did not provide. I could save my own money for preventive medicine.
I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.
I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.
I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".
This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.
I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.
While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.
I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.
I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.
I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".
This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.
I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.
While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.
Friday, August 21, 2009
A different type of woman
I visited my mom's last Sunday after work. I walked in and observed two little girls that I did not recognize. My brother explained that of course he was related to me since he had just told them that he was my brother. I then heard voices coming from the kitchen that I knew. The little girls were the children of an old family friend. Well, they are part of a family friend clan. I grew up calling their grandparents Aunt and Uncle. I then saw my dog. I pitched my voice highly and excitedly said "LuLu! Lu! Come here". I proceed to do what I always do when I visit my mother's. I loudly greeted and rubbed the dog for a few minutes.
I then went to the bathroom to get out of my dreaded uniform that is so hot and sweaty. I put on some cute pants and a top that shows off a lot of my breasts. I went back to the living room where my mom was highly surprised to see me. She wondered when I had snuck in. Snuck in? I had practically screamed Lu's name. Oh well, she was just glad to see me and I should say hi to everyone. I therefore went around the house greeting everyone.
I then got back to the Wii which my brother had borrowed and brought over. The girls were enjoying themselves and I spent quite a bit of time with them. Some great moments occurred during this visit. I ate beside the oldest, eight, who is the same size as her year younger sister. She informed me that it greatly annoyed her. Both of the girls did not eat much. I suggested to the oldest she would have more of a chance of getting bigger if she ate more. She just looked at me dismissively. I then went back for my third plate of food, I believe. The youngest bluntly proclaimed, "You eat a lot." Of course I do. I love food. And! I am small in size, showing that people can eat a lot, be small but still adult size. I'm not sure why but I got the sense that being tiny was important to the two girls. The two gaped at me. Weirdness one.
I sat back down. The oldest whispered that my bra was showing. I looked down. Indeed quite a bit of my bra was showing so I pushed part of the shirt back in place. She told me that my bra was still showing. I said "Well, yeah." She told me, "That was just wrong." I told her that it was all right. I liked it. I probably should wear an undershirt depending on the occasion, but I liked my boobs. She told me that was wrong because I was a kid. I laughed at her because she knew my age and that I lived on my own. I responded that I was really an adult and I could show off my boobs if I wanted to. She again looked at me like I was quite strange. Weirdness two.
I had to leave early so I put my shoes back on. The oldest again noticed from ten paces away that... gasp!... I have hair on my legs. She came over to stare and I told her that I in fact do not shave. "That is nasty! Nasty." I will admit that I was a bit saddened but told myself not to get upset about an 8 year old's opinion. Weirdness 3.
Hanging out with the girls just made me realize, I'm no where near what they consider a typical woman.
I then went to the bathroom to get out of my dreaded uniform that is so hot and sweaty. I put on some cute pants and a top that shows off a lot of my breasts. I went back to the living room where my mom was highly surprised to see me. She wondered when I had snuck in. Snuck in? I had practically screamed Lu's name. Oh well, she was just glad to see me and I should say hi to everyone. I therefore went around the house greeting everyone.
I then got back to the Wii which my brother had borrowed and brought over. The girls were enjoying themselves and I spent quite a bit of time with them. Some great moments occurred during this visit. I ate beside the oldest, eight, who is the same size as her year younger sister. She informed me that it greatly annoyed her. Both of the girls did not eat much. I suggested to the oldest she would have more of a chance of getting bigger if she ate more. She just looked at me dismissively. I then went back for my third plate of food, I believe. The youngest bluntly proclaimed, "You eat a lot." Of course I do. I love food. And! I am small in size, showing that people can eat a lot, be small but still adult size. I'm not sure why but I got the sense that being tiny was important to the two girls. The two gaped at me. Weirdness one.
I sat back down. The oldest whispered that my bra was showing. I looked down. Indeed quite a bit of my bra was showing so I pushed part of the shirt back in place. She told me that my bra was still showing. I said "Well, yeah." She told me, "That was just wrong." I told her that it was all right. I liked it. I probably should wear an undershirt depending on the occasion, but I liked my boobs. She told me that was wrong because I was a kid. I laughed at her because she knew my age and that I lived on my own. I responded that I was really an adult and I could show off my boobs if I wanted to. She again looked at me like I was quite strange. Weirdness two.
I had to leave early so I put my shoes back on. The oldest again noticed from ten paces away that... gasp!... I have hair on my legs. She came over to stare and I told her that I in fact do not shave. "That is nasty! Nasty." I will admit that I was a bit saddened but told myself not to get upset about an 8 year old's opinion. Weirdness 3.
Hanging out with the girls just made me realize, I'm no where near what they consider a typical woman.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Amberwood Park
I'm tired but still want to post. So here is the first poem I ever wrote for my poetry class. It was the one that I revised the most and the one I entered into the contest. I did not win, but that is okay. Enjoy!
Amberwood Park
We decide to clog the chute.
I lie horizontally across,
and fight the slippery plastic surface.
Eight kids below me, more and more adding above me.
We giggle.
A boy slips,
No! Push against the sides!
He slips,
then gives.
Like dominoes, one body strikes another.
I see something new,a white and red sign,
that tells everyone that this place is a park.
The fields, basketball courts, and playground are the same, but
rules and regulations now exist that did not yesterday.
“Dogs must always be on a leash.”
My dogs and I move past the sign. Kids play
in and around the chute that used to be mine.
“Grounder!” a kid calls.
“You’re it!”
A girl flies through the air.
She smacks her body to the pole and balances
on a small circle of cement.
She challenges back,
“I wasn’t touching the ground.
Not it!”
My dogs and I walk on
until we reach a fenced in spot where
the grass grows in patches.
I let the leashes go
and observe their legs charge
across the field.
Late, late one Thanksgiving night,
I storm towards the park, smarting from the family quarrel,
and clenching my car keys.
I twist in the swing and drag my feet through the sand.
My lungs fill with air.
I stare at the empty chutes, barren fields, and blank sidewalks.
Suddenly
My skin prickles. My stomach tightens.
Cockroaches scurry.
No one is there.
No one will grab me and drag me into the deep shadows
cast by the trees.
No one will hear me scream.
No one will hear my feet
slap on the sidewalk, my loud breathing,
or the latch on the lock thudding home.
Amberwood Park
We decide to clog the chute.
I lie horizontally across,
and fight the slippery plastic surface.
Eight kids below me, more and more adding above me.
We giggle.
A boy slips,
No! Push against the sides!
He slips,
then gives.
Like dominoes, one body strikes another.
I see something new,a white and red sign,
that tells everyone that this place is a park.
The fields, basketball courts, and playground are the same, but
rules and regulations now exist that did not yesterday.
“Dogs must always be on a leash.”
My dogs and I move past the sign. Kids play
in and around the chute that used to be mine.
“Grounder!” a kid calls.
“You’re it!”
A girl flies through the air.
She smacks her body to the pole and balances
on a small circle of cement.
She challenges back,
“I wasn’t touching the ground.
Not it!”
My dogs and I walk on
until we reach a fenced in spot where
the grass grows in patches.
I let the leashes go
and observe their legs charge
across the field.
Late, late one Thanksgiving night,
I storm towards the park, smarting from the family quarrel,
and clenching my car keys.
I twist in the swing and drag my feet through the sand.
My lungs fill with air.
I stare at the empty chutes, barren fields, and blank sidewalks.
Suddenly
My skin prickles. My stomach tightens.
Cockroaches scurry.
No one is there.
No one will grab me and drag me into the deep shadows
cast by the trees.
No one will hear me scream.
No one will hear my feet
slap on the sidewalk, my loud breathing,
or the latch on the lock thudding home.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Nicest Thing
by Kate Nash. It is my favorite song at this time. I have never been so obsessed about a song that I put it on daily. I can not tell you why I love the song so much. I enjoy Kate Nash's voice. I enjoy the melody. I enjoy the lyrics. The lyrics really speak to the romantic in me. They are about wanting someone (in my mind a man, but I do not believe she states a gender)to love her which of course I want someone to love me. Maybe not as extreme as the examples in the song because I do want him to be able to eat even if I was not in his life. I want a practical man but part of me is like "Yes, waste away because I'm gone."
I'm not saying that I would be ready for that type of love. If the perfect guy for me came up and said "Hi." I'm sure I would say "Hello" back but once I realized what he wanted... wait... the perfect guy for me would realize that I would need to take things slow so would have little problem with me going away for a few years to travel. I told people if I found the right guy now I would travel with him. I meant it at the time, but it is no longer true. I want to travel by myself, maybe with a friend, but I want the freedom to do what I want without feeling selfish.
I'm not saying that I would be ready for that type of love. If the perfect guy for me came up and said "Hi." I'm sure I would say "Hello" back but once I realized what he wanted... wait... the perfect guy for me would realize that I would need to take things slow so would have little problem with me going away for a few years to travel. I told people if I found the right guy now I would travel with him. I meant it at the time, but it is no longer true. I want to travel by myself, maybe with a friend, but I want the freedom to do what I want without feeling selfish.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Picking through rasbperries and seeing the sun rise
Those activities occur because of my job. I noticed the sunrise this morning. The pink strands are slight compared to the glory that can be the sunset. I'm not sure why.
I see several sunrises now. I also pick through raspberries because they go bad so fast. I want to make a fruit bowl look pretty but bam! squishy berry with white spots. I make a rim shot into the trash. I sorted through a plastic container when I realized I do not mind my job. I enjoy it more because of the picking through raspberries. It is nice to just reach in and throw some on, but my job is so much more interesting when I have to fix the problems. I then decided that I would stick with this job for at least a year.
I was wrong.
I dislike all the work they heap on the morning crew because we work hard. I don't want to see the sunrise unless I'm waking in the wilderness. I don't want to work 9 hour shifts where I fight for my 20 minutes of sitting time. And no that is not all at one time. I like serving so I'm going to search for a serving job for lunch and dinner. Where they play fun movies. And there is more than two servers to do all the work.
I see several sunrises now. I also pick through raspberries because they go bad so fast. I want to make a fruit bowl look pretty but bam! squishy berry with white spots. I make a rim shot into the trash. I sorted through a plastic container when I realized I do not mind my job. I enjoy it more because of the picking through raspberries. It is nice to just reach in and throw some on, but my job is so much more interesting when I have to fix the problems. I then decided that I would stick with this job for at least a year.
I was wrong.
I dislike all the work they heap on the morning crew because we work hard. I don't want to see the sunrise unless I'm waking in the wilderness. I don't want to work 9 hour shifts where I fight for my 20 minutes of sitting time. And no that is not all at one time. I like serving so I'm going to search for a serving job for lunch and dinner. Where they play fun movies. And there is more than two servers to do all the work.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
30 minutes a day
I keep telling myself to write at least 30 minutes a day. It is going as well as me telling myself to practice 30 minutes a day on my bass when I was younger. Of course, other people were telling me to do that and I thought it was probably a good idea. I still do. Of course, as the people who have lived with me can attest, I rarely play my bass. I do practice more often when others are not around, but frankly I just do not practice much at all. I enjoy my bass. I enjoy writing. I have trouble motivating myself to do either.
Writing seems to be winning... because I'm actually doing it at this moment. Expect more blogs. I might even ramble a full 30 minutes in them but I doubt it because I try not to bore others, and I will be making myself proofread. Blah, rereading my own work. Another idea that always sounded good when I was younger that I did not implement.
I have accepted that I will never be a musician that practices much. I wonder about the future. Will I have resigned myself to the fact that I enjoy writing but I do not do it? I play bass because I'm in a symphony. I joined it of my own free will and it is my way of keeping my bass active in my world. I plan on signing up for another writing course so I can keep writing in my life. I'm more excited for writing and also I'm older. I know more of what I'm getting myself into by making this choice. Writing fits for me after I get started. It just is a bit more work than I wanted to do when I was younger and I never got good reviews. I got mostly good grades but every red mark was a sting to my pride. I could not accept those stings back then.
I'm reading basically a biography about a travel writer at this moment (from an overdue library book. Ahh, library fees). He mentions that writers have large egos because they believe their words and works should be printed. (He is rather more eloquent. I will post the direct quote later). I smiled at that. My ego is rather large and that is why all my blogs are public. I want people to read my words and thoughts. I do believe I will be writing more.
Anyway, look forward to more blogs and me commenting on the fact that I should be writing more.
Writing seems to be winning... because I'm actually doing it at this moment. Expect more blogs. I might even ramble a full 30 minutes in them but I doubt it because I try not to bore others, and I will be making myself proofread. Blah, rereading my own work. Another idea that always sounded good when I was younger that I did not implement.
I have accepted that I will never be a musician that practices much. I wonder about the future. Will I have resigned myself to the fact that I enjoy writing but I do not do it? I play bass because I'm in a symphony. I joined it of my own free will and it is my way of keeping my bass active in my world. I plan on signing up for another writing course so I can keep writing in my life. I'm more excited for writing and also I'm older. I know more of what I'm getting myself into by making this choice. Writing fits for me after I get started. It just is a bit more work than I wanted to do when I was younger and I never got good reviews. I got mostly good grades but every red mark was a sting to my pride. I could not accept those stings back then.
I'm reading basically a biography about a travel writer at this moment (from an overdue library book. Ahh, library fees). He mentions that writers have large egos because they believe their words and works should be printed. (He is rather more eloquent. I will post the direct quote later). I smiled at that. My ego is rather large and that is why all my blogs are public. I want people to read my words and thoughts. I do believe I will be writing more.
Anyway, look forward to more blogs and me commenting on the fact that I should be writing more.
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