My birthday party started really slow. My brother showed up at 3 but no one else did. He went to Target to get a bathing suit and I tidied up my room. I began to worry that no one would show other than family. Roy came back and people started to arrive. LuAnne is amazing and made lemon cake which rocked since I did not have a birthday cake till that moment! Sydni gave me a hideously perfect outfit to wear. It looked like an 80's dress (with shoulder pads). The bottom was solid blue and top part was different colored stripes - blue, red, green, and orange. People partied for a good two hours. My mother is the best. She let me paint her face and people compared it to the most recent Joker. It was not pretty but she laughed.
The party never got a lot of steam because I chose a bad day. Lots of people were having parties and mine had a clown theme. Two strong reasons for not as high as attendance as in the past. The party fizzled out, but three of us continued to party. We had clown make up on and needed to show the world! My bro, roommate from Craigslist (she is so fun!), and I went to a party of people my brother knew. We got some looks. Overall some rather cool people to chill with.
Also, I am in transition. I noticed that I have three friend types. The best are the reliable and amazing people. They call me. I call them. They are decent and kind. I want to hang out with them and feel they want to see me.
I have two other types that no longer work for me. There are the people that show up and call, but are rude little people. The others are people I love to hang out with but I never see unless I do the heavy lifting. I can do better. Of course, I might think that I am closer to someone than they think. There was a small incident where something nasty was said at my party that most did not hear but I did. Worst for me was it was said about some I care for. If it was said about me, I would have wonder if I did something or brushed it off. I have no tolerance though when I see someone attacking someone I care for.
There are other friend types of course - friends of friends, the friends that live really far away, mostly online friends, and so on. Also, friends start changing and drift away, while other people move in. A lot has happened this year. I had no energy to focus on what type of friendships I wanted or notice how I was changing.
About being 27, what a hard year and I appreciate all that supported me!
I have an ultrasound tomorrow and get more information about surgery and all that. Wish me luck!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Goals
I signed up to be the Chandler Symphony Orchestra blogger. I just signed the paper and got my free jam for it on Tuesday. (Symphony people only accept payment in jam form.) I have no clue what type of blog they want nor what I will end up doing. I'm excited and fearful that I pushed myself into this direction. By the way, the symphony's last concert is this Sunday, May 2, at Desert Vista High School at 3pm. Next year, we will be back at Chandler Center for the Arts!
Before I signed up though, I found an online comic journal about one artist's journey through life. It took me a few minutes to find it, but here is the link . I know that webcomic artists usually get better when forced to draw so I'm forcing myself to write. Every week I will post a blog. It may be short and say something to the effect "I do not want to write. Blah.", but it will be something. I might just post a poem I have read. I'm not sure how it will evolve but it will happen. This will also help my future endeavors when I become the CSO blogger! (Maybe I should create a blogger costume like superheros')
P.S. Other goal - Reread all blog post or in other words revision! This blog has been read more than once... by me.
Before I signed up though, I found an online comic journal about one artist's journey through life. It took me a few minutes to find it, but here is the link . I know that webcomic artists usually get better when forced to draw so I'm forcing myself to write. Every week I will post a blog. It may be short and say something to the effect "I do not want to write. Blah.", but it will be something. I might just post a poem I have read. I'm not sure how it will evolve but it will happen. This will also help my future endeavors when I become the CSO blogger! (Maybe I should create a blogger costume like superheros')
P.S. Other goal - Reread all blog post or in other words revision! This blog has been read more than once... by me.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My Passion!
Once again, I struggled with getting myself to sit down and write. I sat down and opened my book. I then read while thinking I need to write so I can sleep. I wrote that sentence and immediately wanted to write about how I did not want to brush my teeth. That is exactly what I wrote yesterday. My brain loops quite easily. It is understandable because I associate brushing my teeth with the activity I do before I sleep.
I will write! I do seem to write better at night even when my when I feel the tiredness behind my eyes. I wished I could describe that better.
Anyway, I was inspired by Give or Take's blog about her finding her passion. I have been looking for that. I have several activities I feel some passion for - music, reading, art, and video games. The two bigges are reading and art. I love going to plays and museums. I'm even thinking of trying to find a way to make money in the creative side, maybe act (doubtful), write a novel, and play in gigs. I just doubt I will make enough money to pay the bills so there will have to be a Plan B. My dram teacher said though if you have a Plan B you will do that and not act. In my case, act could stand for playing my bass or writing. I still think I will have a plan B. I enjoy those activities but I know my passion.
I did not when I started to comment on Give or Take's blog, but it just made sense when I started to type how I did not know what it was. I love to learn. I get jealous of people's knowledge. When I was playing Sims 2, I figured out that I would be a knowledge Sim. The world of theatre attracts me because it seems learning is necessary. I would have to learn new lines for new plays and new skills for different parts. Sadly, the idea of being part of a successful show that runs for years just sounds boring. Also a bit egotistical, I have attended two sessions of my acting class and I doubt I will be part of any show.
So, this seems enough to say I have written something. Next thing to add to the list, revision, an essential part of writing that I do not do when I blog. Enjoy the errors!
I will write! I do seem to write better at night even when my when I feel the tiredness behind my eyes. I wished I could describe that better.
Anyway, I was inspired by Give or Take's blog about her finding her passion. I have been looking for that. I have several activities I feel some passion for - music, reading, art, and video games. The two bigges are reading and art. I love going to plays and museums. I'm even thinking of trying to find a way to make money in the creative side, maybe act (doubtful), write a novel, and play in gigs. I just doubt I will make enough money to pay the bills so there will have to be a Plan B. My dram teacher said though if you have a Plan B you will do that and not act. In my case, act could stand for playing my bass or writing. I still think I will have a plan B. I enjoy those activities but I know my passion.
I did not when I started to comment on Give or Take's blog, but it just made sense when I started to type how I did not know what it was. I love to learn. I get jealous of people's knowledge. When I was playing Sims 2, I figured out that I would be a knowledge Sim. The world of theatre attracts me because it seems learning is necessary. I would have to learn new lines for new plays and new skills for different parts. Sadly, the idea of being part of a successful show that runs for years just sounds boring. Also a bit egotistical, I have attended two sessions of my acting class and I doubt I will be part of any show.
So, this seems enough to say I have written something. Next thing to add to the list, revision, an essential part of writing that I do not do when I blog. Enjoy the errors!
Monday, February 1, 2010
What I had for dinner
A nectarine
Bottled water
Almonds
1% chocolate milk - Shamrock Farms
and an organic tomato
with a sprinkling of salt
from two salt packets
provided by Sunflower Market
and paid for by
Heather.
It was delicious and exactly what I needed. Heather and I met up tonight at Extreme Bean just to talk and keep in touch. She is so inspirational. Heather wrote seven poems in the month of January. I made a goal to write 15 minutes a day starting with today though it will be more like 10 but I'm starting to think of not brushing my teeth. My bed calls so. I will brush my teeth. I'm trying to get my teeth whiter mostly because I'm pondering the idea of acting or be in the theatre world. This would mean at some point I would have to shave my legs. Hmmm...
I memorized a monologue and now need to read the play so I get a deep emotional connection. As I wrote that sentence, my face flushed. My fibroid. Really it is the Zolodex that stops my production of estrogen which leads to hot flashes, but I only take the medication because of the fibroid. February 8th I get an ultrasound! Look here for an update on my uterus situation.
My uterus makes me think of reproducing in general and that leads to men. I stopped dating the last one because he was a huge loser. I mean I already knew he lived at home as he went for a degree in drama while doing lots and lots of pot and other drugs, but he also was not that into me. He did not call me enough and he lied. Those were the deal breakers. He told me he had been tested three months after the last time he had unprotected sex. He later told me he had unprotected sex in November. It has not been three months yet. Of course, the tract marks on his arms really helped the decision as well.
My stepfather died last Tuesday and the memory service was Sunday. I'm doing really well with it. The situation was harder when he was starving to death in front of us. I do not want anyone to worry about how to treat me. Just be yourselves. I hang out with you all because I enjoy your company.
Look forward to more ramblings in the future!
Bottled water
Almonds
1% chocolate milk - Shamrock Farms
and an organic tomato
with a sprinkling of salt
from two salt packets
provided by Sunflower Market
and paid for by
Heather.
It was delicious and exactly what I needed. Heather and I met up tonight at Extreme Bean just to talk and keep in touch. She is so inspirational. Heather wrote seven poems in the month of January. I made a goal to write 15 minutes a day starting with today though it will be more like 10 but I'm starting to think of not brushing my teeth. My bed calls so. I will brush my teeth. I'm trying to get my teeth whiter mostly because I'm pondering the idea of acting or be in the theatre world. This would mean at some point I would have to shave my legs. Hmmm...
I memorized a monologue and now need to read the play so I get a deep emotional connection. As I wrote that sentence, my face flushed. My fibroid. Really it is the Zolodex that stops my production of estrogen which leads to hot flashes, but I only take the medication because of the fibroid. February 8th I get an ultrasound! Look here for an update on my uterus situation.
My uterus makes me think of reproducing in general and that leads to men. I stopped dating the last one because he was a huge loser. I mean I already knew he lived at home as he went for a degree in drama while doing lots and lots of pot and other drugs, but he also was not that into me. He did not call me enough and he lied. Those were the deal breakers. He told me he had been tested three months after the last time he had unprotected sex. He later told me he had unprotected sex in November. It has not been three months yet. Of course, the tract marks on his arms really helped the decision as well.
My stepfather died last Tuesday and the memory service was Sunday. I'm doing really well with it. The situation was harder when he was starving to death in front of us. I do not want anyone to worry about how to treat me. Just be yourselves. I hang out with you all because I enjoy your company.
Look forward to more ramblings in the future!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Writing Assignment
I am the family resident writer so my mother asked me to write Troy's obituary. I told her I would. I still have not written it. She asked me if I wanted to do it again today and I told her no. I will. I have done some research tonight and it will need to be done in the next few days.
I also plan on writing my poem titled Mariella and Corbin by Monday night. It is about me washing dishes while watching my daughter and son play in the mud. I put some dishes away and when I turn around they are gone. This is because they never existed and will never be able to (I have no more news about my fibroid, but I have my fears). Maybe I will also write a poem about bleeding out on an operating table or waking up without a uterus.
I'm also dating a loser. I know this. I imagine dating a honorable man who respects me. We hike across the States and scuba dive in the oceans around the world. He brings me soup and leaves me alone when I'm sick. Later, he yells and punches walls because we both know he is dying sooner rather than later. I push the pain medication button for him as he grimaces in pain and cannot push it for himself. I'm not ready for love. I watch my mother not cry as she holds Troy's hand for hours. She pets his hair and kisses his cheek. He does not respond
to most people but mostly for her, he gurgles out a noise. She walks into her room and I hold her while she sobs into my shoulder. I do not know when I will be ready.
I also plan on writing my poem titled Mariella and Corbin by Monday night. It is about me washing dishes while watching my daughter and son play in the mud. I put some dishes away and when I turn around they are gone. This is because they never existed and will never be able to (I have no more news about my fibroid, but I have my fears). Maybe I will also write a poem about bleeding out on an operating table or waking up without a uterus.
I'm also dating a loser. I know this. I imagine dating a honorable man who respects me. We hike across the States and scuba dive in the oceans around the world. He brings me soup and leaves me alone when I'm sick. Later, he yells and punches walls because we both know he is dying sooner rather than later. I push the pain medication button for him as he grimaces in pain and cannot push it for himself. I'm not ready for love. I watch my mother not cry as she holds Troy's hand for hours. She pets his hair and kisses his cheek. He does not respond
to most people but mostly for her, he gurgles out a noise. She walks into her room and I hold her while she sobs into my shoulder. I do not know when I will be ready.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Worries
I do not know why I have this trait, but I do not like to admit when I'm stressed. When I was younger, I would often say I did not get stressed. I'm not sure how true that was since my memories are biased. I need to focus on the positive about myself right now. In the past, I felt I was too angry and was not comfortable dating or making friends. I had issues with not being good enough in certain fields like writing or speaking Spanish, so I studied other fields. I had no direction and would not let myself think about it.
I'm focusing - in more ways than one. I dropped my IT class because I was not enjoying it and I learned what I needed from that class. I know computers alright and I need patience to fix them. Otherwise, the class was taking up my time with attending class and doing tedious homework. I'm tired all the time so I decided to try to make some time to relax and sleep.
I'm also trying to focus on only doing a few activities at a time so I can do them well. I'm trying to play my bass and write more. I'm also giving myself permission to not worry if I do not do them as well as I would like or if I struggle with them. I'm actually practicing more than I ever had. I'm not writing but it is okay to have slumps. The important part is to figure out how much I enjoy it. That is just an awkward sentence. I need to figure out if I enjoy it. Wouldn’t be obvious?
I enjoy writing. I enjoy being creative but it is hard. I’m scared of not being good enough or I will not put enough time into the activity. I will not worry anymore about figuring out if I enjoy it. I will just try to do it and if it does not happen, then the answer will be obvious.
I'm slowly dealing with the big issues in my head. I have blithely talking about surgery like I will not be unconscious on a table will people I do not know that well cut inside of me. That image, no, the reality of that situation freaks me out. I'm taking hormones right now to hopefully shrink the fibroid. I wait and will see what the fibroid does.
My stepfather receives acupuncture. His quality of life is higher but he has stage 4 cancer that is not responding to any treatment. I'm now the executor of my mother's will, just part of the duties of being the eldest. I also get the joys of going to the will writing because of family drama.
School ends this Thursday. The big test happens then. Will I continue to write? Will I look for a job that fits me better?
I'm focusing - in more ways than one. I dropped my IT class because I was not enjoying it and I learned what I needed from that class. I know computers alright and I need patience to fix them. Otherwise, the class was taking up my time with attending class and doing tedious homework. I'm tired all the time so I decided to try to make some time to relax and sleep.
I'm also trying to focus on only doing a few activities at a time so I can do them well. I'm trying to play my bass and write more. I'm also giving myself permission to not worry if I do not do them as well as I would like or if I struggle with them. I'm actually practicing more than I ever had. I'm not writing but it is okay to have slumps. The important part is to figure out how much I enjoy it. That is just an awkward sentence. I need to figure out if I enjoy it. Wouldn’t be obvious?
I enjoy writing. I enjoy being creative but it is hard. I’m scared of not being good enough or I will not put enough time into the activity. I will not worry anymore about figuring out if I enjoy it. I will just try to do it and if it does not happen, then the answer will be obvious.
I'm slowly dealing with the big issues in my head. I have blithely talking about surgery like I will not be unconscious on a table will people I do not know that well cut inside of me. That image, no, the reality of that situation freaks me out. I'm taking hormones right now to hopefully shrink the fibroid. I wait and will see what the fibroid does.
My stepfather receives acupuncture. His quality of life is higher but he has stage 4 cancer that is not responding to any treatment. I'm now the executor of my mother's will, just part of the duties of being the eldest. I also get the joys of going to the will writing because of family drama.
School ends this Thursday. The big test happens then. Will I continue to write? Will I look for a job that fits me better?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Dating
Yesterday I went on a date with the new guy who I shall call Bicycle Man or Bikey for short. We rode bikes to Golfland and did two courses. We would have done the last one if we had time and if the course had not been closed. I had a lot of fun because Bikey is a cool nice guy. It was an okay date. It was fun but I still think I messed things up for myself.
We both have been hurt in the past and I believe we are both not in a place to be serious because we do not want to be hurt again. Sadly, this leads us to being dumb and getting hurt again. I know that sometimes I focus on the negative when I tell stories to everyone and I'm sorry. I think this paints a picture of a guy for my friends that is not accurate. I also have my faults. I recently told Bikey that he would never met my friends because what would the point be since we are not going anywhere. Way to shoot myself in the foot. I'm sure when he tells that story to his friends I'm going to look like a douche or bitch. I will take it back and he is welcome to meet my friends if it comes up. Just because there is no long term future does not mean I should limit the present.
I get defensive and this guy has given me permission to be completely honest and this has lead to me poking at him because sadly I cannot control myself sometimes. Happily enough so far, Bikey has stuck around and had fun with it. We earned requests of each other when we got holes in one. I asked for coloring and for him to read me a short story. I then realized I asked a kindergarten teacher to color and do story time. Oops. I will change the story time to a date where we wear each other clothes in public. I'm thinking he could pull of my heron skirt and pretty green top. He asked me to drunk dial him the first time I get drunk no matter how far in the future and how things ended. I think that is hilarious and will do. I implied that I was going to ask him to eat cat food. He was kinda grossed out.
I still feel that we have had too many serious talks and they started because of Bikey but are continuing because of me. I'm going to try to keep it light and fluffy. Here is some future plans that I think would be fun. Playing in the mud and making mud forts in his backyard (because I do not have one). Going to the park to eat popsicles, feed the ducks, and have a picnic. Anyone else have fun ideas?
I'm emailing other guys and keeping my eyes open for other men, but time is such a factor. I am scared that if Bikey and I only date each other it will get exclusive just because that seems to happen, but I have to just tell myself that does not mean it will be serious. I will strive to be more positive! Not just at dating but work as well. I will still tell negative stories but I will try to temper them.
We both have been hurt in the past and I believe we are both not in a place to be serious because we do not want to be hurt again. Sadly, this leads us to being dumb and getting hurt again. I know that sometimes I focus on the negative when I tell stories to everyone and I'm sorry. I think this paints a picture of a guy for my friends that is not accurate. I also have my faults. I recently told Bikey that he would never met my friends because what would the point be since we are not going anywhere. Way to shoot myself in the foot. I'm sure when he tells that story to his friends I'm going to look like a douche or bitch. I will take it back and he is welcome to meet my friends if it comes up. Just because there is no long term future does not mean I should limit the present.
I get defensive and this guy has given me permission to be completely honest and this has lead to me poking at him because sadly I cannot control myself sometimes. Happily enough so far, Bikey has stuck around and had fun with it. We earned requests of each other when we got holes in one. I asked for coloring and for him to read me a short story. I then realized I asked a kindergarten teacher to color and do story time. Oops. I will change the story time to a date where we wear each other clothes in public. I'm thinking he could pull of my heron skirt and pretty green top. He asked me to drunk dial him the first time I get drunk no matter how far in the future and how things ended. I think that is hilarious and will do. I implied that I was going to ask him to eat cat food. He was kinda grossed out.
I still feel that we have had too many serious talks and they started because of Bikey but are continuing because of me. I'm going to try to keep it light and fluffy. Here is some future plans that I think would be fun. Playing in the mud and making mud forts in his backyard (because I do not have one). Going to the park to eat popsicles, feed the ducks, and have a picnic. Anyone else have fun ideas?
I'm emailing other guys and keeping my eyes open for other men, but time is such a factor. I am scared that if Bikey and I only date each other it will get exclusive just because that seems to happen, but I have to just tell myself that does not mean it will be serious. I will strive to be more positive! Not just at dating but work as well. I will still tell negative stories but I will try to temper them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)