Waiting for laundry to finish

Yikes.

So there is about two weeks left, then I leave for another country. Worried am I. Enough that I start to think in Yoda speak. I have money. That is good. I have given notice at my jobs which is a task that I got done. I still have other tasks to finish. My last Hep B shot is on the 19th. I have to talk to my car insurance company and then I need to buy some travel insurance. I plan on buying medical evacuation insurance but really when I get to the states, I will have none. I need to buy a lot of items. I need to move and paint my walls.

I'm scared.

I know that I will have fun and I will also have hard times. I have had people tell me it will be amazing and I have others telling me to not get raped or kidnapped. Thanks. I will work on that. Really though, part of me is scared I will fail. This is the longest I will be away from my family and the first time I will feel petless.

I'm content with my life. I guess I did not think I would reach that point without taking a trip. Breathe. It will be good. I can just feel my upper back tensing up and it is starting to hurt a bit. I took a road trip for a month when I was 20. It felt like a rite of passage. I believe this one will be another rite.

Obviously, I'm all over the place.

Anyway, I'm having a going away party on the 24th of August or next Sunday. If you have not been invited, contact me. I have started a process where I'm getting rid or at least distancing myself from those I feel are toxic or at least not great for me. I have been spending a lot (LOTS) of time thinking about what I need in relationships and what I was willing to put up with in the past. I need to learn when to walk away. I doubt anyone who reads this blog will be in the category of the not invited. If you are, I will talk to you about the problems I feel we have. Most people do not like that much honesty and most of the people I'm distancing myself from would either yell or not want to talk about it.

Back to the trip - I have a list of items I need. Syd and Brian just lent me a digital camera. Woohoo! I decided I would list all the items I need and see if anyone can lend me anything or just flat out donate.

Ear Plugs Tweezer Needle
Flashlight or Head Lam Swiss Army Knife
Universal sink plug Sleep Sack Mosquito Netting
Insect Repellent

Also, tell me it will be alright.

Blah. I'm more excited for when I get back. Finding new roommate(s). Getting a job. Dating. I have done those tasks before. I also have not been genuinely excited to job search in a long time.

Brian made a joke about Syd and him having an extra room when I got back. I thought maybe he was saying they would buy a house or that I could live with them. Weirdly to others, living with them seems rather attractive. I loved living with Syd and Brian. Brian did not official live with us before but he was there a lot. I have not been happy with my roommates since Syd. (I don't count my mom or Troy but they were cool though more like parents than roommates). It will not happen but it was nice hanging out with them tonight. It felt like family and I have missed that. I did dishes with Brian and chilled with Sydni while watching the Olympics. I taught Erik how to bang pots lids together and how to stuff condoms into a lady's shirt. It started out as a joke but he really enjoyed sticking things (paper and condoms) down my shirt and taking them out. It happened because he found Syd and Brian's condoms which they were giving to me anyway since they do not need them, and I put them in my bra. It then started a funny game that while funny was a bit odd so I stopped it.

Funny enough I have like 35 condoms now. I have paid for none. I, at this time, do not need them. I rather doubt I will use any in South America. I'm starting to feel like a condom safe haven. So if you want to donate, I have a drawer where they can collect.

Back to living with Syd and Brian, Syd thought Erik would dealer breaker. I love Erik and playing with him. I am called his Auntie. How rockin' is that! Truly the problem is that I have a cat. Imagine a vomit happy cat and a baby. I can and it is not pretty. Also, it would probably be weird to live with a family (third wheel or something). I would not feel free to bring back boys but as I mentioned I really want that close and relaxed connection you get with family or great friends.

I feel like I'm rambling so off to video game time. No spell check! I'm living on the edge.

Self Defense

I have been doing a lot of reading to prepare for my trip. One of the websites that I think will be most useful is couchsurfing.com. One of the recommendations was to take a self defense class. I decided to do just that and talked to my friends Shannon and Trish. They know people in the martial art community and generally people who teach self defense. Trish said I should just be taught by Shannon because he is the best.

At first, I really enjoyed the classes. I still do but there is a difference now. Before, I kinda wanted to use the moves and beat the crap out of someone. I have always had a temper and a violent side. I have vigorously kept that side in check, maybe even suppressed because I did not think it was a good thing. Self defense class has brought that side out and I will admit it. I have missed the angrier parts of myself. I think I can keep it under control without getting hostile like I was when younger.

I have done about four weeks of self defense and have learned quite a bit. The biggest lesson was that I do not want to ever have to use these moves. I love fighting so I will keep up with this when I get back and spar with folks. I just hope that I never have to fight off a rapist or fight for my life. This should have been obvious but this class has cleared it up even more. I am small and weight freaking matters. I have thrown my body weight on top of Shannon and it truly does not affect him. Also grappling with someone who out weighs you is really hard.

Also, all the moves I'm learning will only truly buy me time. If I put myself in an unsafe place where no is willing to help me, I will have a very hard time. For the geeks out there, I do have ranks in intimidate but I rather not use them at all. Shannon often likes to say make them think that "the squeeze is not worth the juice". I can get this look in my eyes that says I will go ape shit crazy and not make it worth your time, but I usually get that look when I willing to sacrifice some of my own well being. I do not want to worry about hospital bills or injuries. I will keep myself in safe locations.

So in summary, I'm leaving in like 4 weeks and this scares me. It scares me a lot when I think about it. Self defense has been good because I can protect myself a bit but really it taught me how self defense needs to be a last resort. I hope to have fun, see odd and different things, and be safe. Wish me luck.

Expenses

My trip is costing more than I first expected. My mother is helping out by paying for the school part which is awesome so that I can afford the rest. I'm taking self defense courses from a friend which costs money and which I will blog about later. It is much cheaper because my friend is charging a lot less, but that is money I'm setting aside.

Also, I got my vaccinations today. The cost was 325 plus another 66 dollars in a month. I got 3 shots: yellow fever, hepatitis A, and B. B hurt quite unexpectedly. I also got some typhoid pills. Hep A and B are going to be good for a long time. Typhoid is only good for five years. The vaccinations actually are motivating me to stay longer in South America. I keep on getting nervous and thinking I will only do Ecuador for 1 month, but now I'm pretty sure I'm staying until December. Oh yeah, I need to buy pills for traveler’s diarrhea. Fun.

There are more expenses. I need to get tweezers and a needle for my first aid kit. I might have to get band aids as well. I need to get a big map of South America. South America on a Shoestring recommends getting earplugs, flashlight or head lamp, insect repellent, Swiss army knife, flash drive, and a universal sink plug. I think the plug is so I can wash my clothes in sinks. I have a feeling that I will be living more poorly in South America than I have ever before. I have done research on insect repellent as well. I plan on getting a lotion for my face and spray for the rest of my body.

I have more mundane expenses that I'm taking care of now. I need new shoes. I do not know how long I have own my sneakers but it has been more than two years. I need to buy new bras, pants (that fit - I lost more weight or inches or something), and probably more that I'm forgetting.

I also really need to create a basic plan on what I want to do in South America. I need to figure out which countries I want to visit and have time for. Then, decide what cities and sights in those cities. I will blog about my plan when I figure it out.

Ecuador!

Woohoo! I'm going to Ecuador. This will be my blog area for what goes on in my travels in South America. I have a ticket there and I have registered for school. I wonder if there is a cheaper school but this one did come recommended so no worries.

Crazy enough, I have more money. I was talking to my mother about the possibility of borrowing money from her. She then says "We will give you 800 dollars to pay for your schooling. Any more money for any other purpose would then be loan". I was grasping for what to say. I said thank you of course and that helps out tremendously, but part of me struggled. Part of me wanted to stamp my foot and whine "I'm a grown up. Mooommmm, I want to be independent and don't need your money". While I was grasping for words my mom states, "You will take the money". I said okay.

Still have to call my doctor and start rounds of vaccinations. I want to update/complete my couch surfing profile and apply for that South American Explorer membership.

The plan after Spanish school is to go south. Head through Peru and keep on going south through Chile. Loop back up through Argentina and probably end in Brazil. I'm going through Chile first because it is more expensive than Argentina. The book says I can do this on about 25 dollars a day. I figured it out and I need about 2500 and I have about 500 right now. I actually have more but living with a family in Ecuador for 5 weeks will cost 700 dollars. Spanish school is the most expensive part of this trip. I hope to earn 2000 from my serving job and I still have the "stimulus package" coming. That should be about another 500 dollars.

I plan on being back to the State for Christmas. Then I pretty sure I will still not want to settle down, so back off in the Peace Corps. All I know is that I will have no money when I get back. That scares me a bit because I have never been broke.

Hopless Romantic

I'm finally admitting something to myself. I was watching Masterpiece Theatre which I love and have not seen in a while. It was showing an adaptation of "A Room with a View". That book is about a young woman, Lucy, who goes to Italy and meets an English chap, George, who is not of her class. In one scene, she comes upon him in a field and no one else is around. He comes up to her, does not ask, and grabs her. He then leans down and kisses her. It was their first kiss and my heart just melted. Lucy is confused and gets engaged to another. She goes back to England and George follows her. He tells her she is making a mistake and she kicks him out, but in the end she elopes with him. The book ends there. The movie showed them happy in bed and then a scene passes. Then George is showed dead on a battlefield. The juxtaposition of such happiness and then it being over was so hard. I cry so easily; my life, books, movies, and other stories, if they touch me; I have the capability to bawl.

Watching this movie made me realize I was focusing on the wrong things. That makes me feel a bit silly to think I can be changed by a movie but maybe that is part of their power. I want to be courted and someone to fight for me. I always made jokes about marrying my first boyfriend, but my mother pointed this out, I do not think I was joking. I wanted that to happen. I almost had it, and I think it would have been bad if it had happened. I think I stayed so long because Ian seemed willing to fight for me.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I did not notice this because I do not need presents or flowers. I do need poetry or to be serenaded. I want someone to look at me and tell me that he love me. He will always be there and for him to mean it. I have always wanted that.

I was going through this phase where I felt I had not experienced enough romantically. I have not kissed many people nor had sex with many at all. I do not have that experience because I never really found anyone I wanted to do those activities with. I forgot how picky I was and still am. This movie made me realize though that I do not need to make out with strangers or have casual sex. I told a close friend recently that I could have sex with someone and not get that attached. In my mind, it is two bodies coming together. That is still true today, but I do not know why I would want that. I did not kiss people who did not work for me in the past. I no longer regret my choice of actions. I think maybe I put too much importance on kissing and I will kiss guys I date in the future a bit more easily. The important part is I'm only going to kiss guys I like and I will only go further if I really like them. That makes sense to me. I'm just glad that I figured out the wisdom that I already had when I was younger. No regrets. If I had found someone who I truly wanted kiss, I would have. I feel silly about being a romantic but hey, I have always known I was silly.

Painful. Painful.

I’m diligently working at finding a job by posting a blog. No it is my fun time. I sent out an email to work at a deli part time that is located downtown near the capitol. The hours would be from 10am to 2pm, Monday through Friday. This would be an awesome job to have to pay the bills. I know I have done the crappy job route in the past and it did not work. I think it did not work because it was full time. A full time crappy job means I do not have as much time to look for a better job and hang out with my friends. I have to pick and also I get tired. Since I’m so tired, I cannot make myself motivated to look for a better job. I would need nine dollars an hour to pay my bills if I only worked 20 hours a week. I just want a job that will pay me some money so I will not use up so much of my savings.

I got an account with USAjobs and they sent me a job link that actually looks interesting. It is called a Multi-Family Housing Technican. It would be working with the Housing Director and helping people in rural areas get loans and grants. I went to look and I actually qualify. I have to get my official transcripts and do some steps before January 29th. I had forgotten my password though. I went to reset it and here comes the painful part. The security question that I had chosen was “Where did you meet your spouse?” Ye gods, the pain. It hurt because it was a reminder of the break up but it also showed how confident I was last February. When we said we were married to each other and would get the legal documents later, I so believed it. I almost started crying in the library. I changed my security question. I’m really hoping these reminders stop occurring.

New Year

2008 is starting very different than 2007.

In 2007, I was living comfortable with my best friend and had no real plans to move. I had a job I was going to start later in January but I had not expectations for it being good for anything except to pay the bills. I liked my friends and had not made any new ones in a bit. Lastly, I was on a emotional high of getting engaged and a joint account. I was very happpy with my life and the direction I saw it taking.

2008 has started out great but boy am I starting over. I'm living with my mother and just recently found a place to live with my new roommate. I did not have that at New Year's Eve though but I was excited that I found a roommate. We will be living in Central Phoenix near Encanto Park at 20th Ave and Thomas starting Febuary. I have no clue about the job situation, but oddly I'm more excited about the search than I have been in a while. I think I needed a year of really crappy jobs to give me focus. Even if the next job sucks ass, I will not get personally invested and I will suck it for every contact and learning experience I can get. I still really like my friends, but I'm branching out and recontacting. I feel closer to Grumpator because of role playing and through that experience have met a group of really cool people who I hope to hang out with more. I knew a group of friends through the best friend I used to live with, but I had never really contected with them until now. I have a really good feeling about them aka the Posse for future blogs. I have started to garner an IM circle of friends. All of those things have made me very happy.

There is one area of my life that I thought would be even better after the New Year. I believed that I would be even more over the heartbreak that occured in November. I am finding that is not true. In this past week, I have cried more than I thought I would. I do not know if it is because everyone looks back at the old year or if the holidays kept me so busy that I got to push my feelings away. I have hope for the future in this area, but right now, it stills hurts. I have decided to not date anyone seriously until after April 11th. Maybe it is silly to chose a date, but I like to give myself goals where I can let myself think about things. I very doubt I will rush into my next big relationship but this way I can just be like "Nope, the time is not right"

I started to blog here because I'm hoping only a few people will read this and they will not be people I date. That way I can write about how my dating adventures are going and they will not know nor their friends that maybe my friends. I was dating a guy recently but wanted to blog about it but could not because he was a myspace friend and he had some of the same friends. Also, this one can be the more personal one and only people who really like me will think to go here in the future.