I'm finally admitting something to myself. I was watching Masterpiece Theatre which I love and have not seen in a while. It was showing an adaptation of "A Room with a View". That book is about a young woman, Lucy, who goes to Italy and meets an English chap, George, who is not of her class. In one scene, she comes upon him in a field and no one else is around. He comes up to her, does not ask, and grabs her. He then leans down and kisses her. It was their first kiss and my heart just melted. Lucy is confused and gets engaged to another. She goes back to England and George follows her. He tells her she is making a mistake and she kicks him out, but in the end she elopes with him. The book ends there. The movie showed them happy in bed and then a scene passes. Then George is showed dead on a battlefield. The juxtaposition of such happiness and then it being over was so hard. I cry so easily; my life, books, movies, and other stories, if they touch me; I have the capability to bawl.
Watching this movie made me realize I was focusing on the wrong things. That makes me feel a bit silly to think I can be changed by a movie but maybe that is part of their power. I want to be courted and someone to fight for me. I always made jokes about marrying my first boyfriend, but my mother pointed this out, I do not think I was joking. I wanted that to happen. I almost had it, and I think it would have been bad if it had happened. I think I stayed so long because Ian seemed willing to fight for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic. I did not notice this because I do not need presents or flowers. I do need poetry or to be serenaded. I want someone to look at me and tell me that he love me. He will always be there and for him to mean it. I have always wanted that.
I was going through this phase where I felt I had not experienced enough romantically. I have not kissed many people nor had sex with many at all. I do not have that experience because I never really found anyone I wanted to do those activities with. I forgot how picky I was and still am. This movie made me realize though that I do not need to make out with strangers or have casual sex. I told a close friend recently that I could have sex with someone and not get that attached. In my mind, it is two bodies coming together. That is still true today, but I do not know why I would want that. I did not kiss people who did not work for me in the past. I no longer regret my choice of actions. I think maybe I put too much importance on kissing and I will kiss guys I date in the future a bit more easily. The important part is I'm only going to kiss guys I like and I will only go further if I really like them. That makes sense to me. I'm just glad that I figured out the wisdom that I already had when I was younger. No regrets. If I had found someone who I truly wanted kiss, I would have. I feel silly about being a romantic but hey, I have always known I was silly.
