Worries

I do not know why I have this trait, but I do not like to admit when I'm stressed. When I was younger, I would often say I did not get stressed. I'm not sure how true that was since my memories are biased. I need to focus on the positive about myself right now. In the past, I felt I was too angry and was not comfortable dating or making friends. I had issues with not being good enough in certain fields like writing or speaking Spanish, so I studied other fields. I had no direction and would not let myself think about it.

I'm focusing - in more ways than one. I dropped my IT class because I was not enjoying it and I learned what I needed from that class. I know computers alright and I need patience to fix them. Otherwise, the class was taking up my time with attending class and doing tedious homework. I'm tired all the time so I decided to try to make some time to relax and sleep.

I'm also trying to focus on only doing a few activities at a time so I can do them well. I'm trying to play my bass and write more. I'm also giving myself permission to not worry if I do not do them as well as I would like or if I struggle with them. I'm actually practicing more than I ever had. I'm not writing but it is okay to have slumps. The important part is to figure out how much I enjoy it. That is just an awkward sentence. I need to figure out if I enjoy it. Wouldn’t be obvious?

I enjoy writing. I enjoy being creative but it is hard. I’m scared of not being good enough or I will not put enough time into the activity. I will not worry anymore about figuring out if I enjoy it. I will just try to do it and if it does not happen, then the answer will be obvious.

I'm slowly dealing with the big issues in my head. I have blithely talking about surgery like I will not be unconscious on a table will people I do not know that well cut inside of me. That image, no, the reality of that situation freaks me out. I'm taking hormones right now to hopefully shrink the fibroid. I wait and will see what the fibroid does.

My stepfather receives acupuncture. His quality of life is higher but he has stage 4 cancer that is not responding to any treatment. I'm now the executor of my mother's will, just part of the duties of being the eldest. I also get the joys of going to the will writing because of family drama.

School ends this Thursday. The big test happens then. Will I continue to write? Will I look for a job that fits me better?

Dating

Yesterday I went on a date with the new guy who I shall call Bicycle Man or Bikey for short. We rode bikes to Golfland and did two courses. We would have done the last one if we had time and if the course had not been closed. I had a lot of fun because Bikey is a cool nice guy. It was an okay date. It was fun but I still think I messed things up for myself.

We both have been hurt in the past and I believe we are both not in a place to be serious because we do not want to be hurt again. Sadly, this leads us to being dumb and getting hurt again. I know that sometimes I focus on the negative when I tell stories to everyone and I'm sorry. I think this paints a picture of a guy for my friends that is not accurate. I also have my faults. I recently told Bikey that he would never met my friends because what would the point be since we are not going anywhere. Way to shoot myself in the foot. I'm sure when he tells that story to his friends I'm going to look like a douche or bitch. I will take it back and he is welcome to meet my friends if it comes up. Just because there is no long term future does not mean I should limit the present.

I get defensive and this guy has given me permission to be completely honest and this has lead to me poking at him because sadly I cannot control myself sometimes. Happily enough so far, Bikey has stuck around and had fun with it. We earned requests of each other when we got holes in one. I asked for coloring and for him to read me a short story. I then realized I asked a kindergarten teacher to color and do story time. Oops. I will change the story time to a date where we wear each other clothes in public. I'm thinking he could pull of my heron skirt and pretty green top. He asked me to drunk dial him the first time I get drunk no matter how far in the future and how things ended. I think that is hilarious and will do. I implied that I was going to ask him to eat cat food. He was kinda grossed out.

I still feel that we have had too many serious talks and they started because of Bikey but are continuing because of me. I'm going to try to keep it light and fluffy. Here is some future plans that I think would be fun. Playing in the mud and making mud forts in his backyard (because I do not have one). Going to the park to eat popsicles, feed the ducks, and have a picnic. Anyone else have fun ideas?

I'm emailing other guys and keeping my eyes open for other men, but time is such a factor. I am scared that if Bikey and I only date each other it will get exclusive just because that seems to happen, but I have to just tell myself that does not mean it will be serious. I will strive to be more positive! Not just at dating but work as well. I will still tell negative stories but I will try to temper them.

Writing More

I have been writing more... just not here. I have found my ambition is returning. My life is packed but my brain is telling me to do more! I need to as always find a good balance. Work is alright though I'm bored. I have gotten even better at being a server especially the side work that I was so slow at because I disliked it so much. I'm learning some good lessons about office politics at a job that does not matter so much to me.

School is going well but I do not know how I did it in college. I know I worked less but I truly think that my being such an introvert in college meant I had time to do class work... or it was easy for me. Writing is not easy for me. I fight myself to sit down to do it and it is just a lot of work. You have to write the first draft and get ideas down. Try to find the deeper story and do more drafts! I do not even know grammar like I want to. My IT class is interesting just because I had fear about computers and really I just need patience.

Patience is what I need in the other main worries in my life right now - dating and health. I probably shared the story about the guy I'm dating (but not serious) to too many people which is amusing since I was angry about him sharing too much so I go out and share too much. I did think we were a lot alike. I had a talk to him about it and it is better. I point blanked asked him "Are you a douche? Do you like to f**k with people's emotions for fun?" He said no. I think I asked it that way because I was pushing him away. He was disrespectful but it was not horrible. It is just easier for me to be single. I will continue to date him because I need the practice. He is fun and I like him. He is just annoying and most likely not long term dating material for me, but I remembered that I was not looking for long term. At this point, I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I want which is irritating because I have always prided myself on knowing myself. I did want to experience new things. Oh right, I'm also emailing other men on OkCupid but time is starting to be a factor. Dating uses up lots of time and I have other things I want to do.

Patience is a great factor in the health area. I almost jumped into surgery too fast. I'm getting a second opinion October 19th so I have to be patient but I don't want to. I only have slight back pain once in a while so I can live with it. My period started today and I'm not having massive pain in my back or abdomen so my worries are less. It is early so maybe I will get a surprise later but at this time I have less fear. Maybe I will have time to find a better job that has benefits, but since that implies I would be searching for a job, I'm unsure about that actually happening.

The friend and family front is great. Dating has made me think about my friends and family. I'm now making more time to see and hang out with people. I'm content.

I lost my biggest gamble

I, like many 20 somethings, was gambling with health insurance. I could have even got health insurance through my work but talked it over with my mother and just thought for what I needed, it did not provide. I could save my own money for preventive medicine.

I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.

I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.

I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".

This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.

I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.

While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.

A different type of woman

I visited my mom's last Sunday after work. I walked in and observed two little girls that I did not recognize. My brother explained that of course he was related to me since he had just told them that he was my brother. I then heard voices coming from the kitchen that I knew. The little girls were the children of an old family friend. Well, they are part of a family friend clan. I grew up calling their grandparents Aunt and Uncle. I then saw my dog. I pitched my voice highly and excitedly said "LuLu! Lu! Come here". I proceed to do what I always do when I visit my mother's. I loudly greeted and rubbed the dog for a few minutes.

I then went to the bathroom to get out of my dreaded uniform that is so hot and sweaty. I put on some cute pants and a top that shows off a lot of my breasts. I went back to the living room where my mom was highly surprised to see me. She wondered when I had snuck in. Snuck in? I had practically screamed Lu's name. Oh well, she was just glad to see me and I should say hi to everyone. I therefore went around the house greeting everyone.

I then got back to the Wii which my brother had borrowed and brought over. The girls were enjoying themselves and I spent quite a bit of time with them. Some great moments occurred during this visit. I ate beside the oldest, eight, who is the same size as her year younger sister. She informed me that it greatly annoyed her. Both of the girls did not eat much. I suggested to the oldest she would have more of a chance of getting bigger if she ate more. She just looked at me dismissively. I then went back for my third plate of food, I believe. The youngest bluntly proclaimed, "You eat a lot." Of course I do. I love food. And! I am small in size, showing that people can eat a lot, be small but still adult size. I'm not sure why but I got the sense that being tiny was important to the two girls. The two gaped at me. Weirdness one.

I sat back down. The oldest whispered that my bra was showing. I looked down. Indeed quite a bit of my bra was showing so I pushed part of the shirt back in place. She told me that my bra was still showing. I said "Well, yeah." She told me, "That was just wrong." I told her that it was all right. I liked it. I probably should wear an undershirt depending on the occasion, but I liked my boobs. She told me that was wrong because I was a kid. I laughed at her because she knew my age and that I lived on my own. I responded that I was really an adult and I could show off my boobs if I wanted to. She again looked at me like I was quite strange. Weirdness two.

I had to leave early so I put my shoes back on. The oldest again noticed from ten paces away that... gasp!... I have hair on my legs. She came over to stare and I told her that I in fact do not shave. "That is nasty! Nasty." I will admit that I was a bit saddened but told myself not to get upset about an 8 year old's opinion. Weirdness 3.

Hanging out with the girls just made me realize, I'm no where near what they consider a typical woman.

Amberwood Park

I'm tired but still want to post. So here is the first poem I ever wrote for my poetry class. It was the one that I revised the most and the one I entered into the contest. I did not win, but that is okay. Enjoy!



Amberwood Park


We decide to clog the chute.
I lie horizontally across,
and fight the slippery plastic surface.
Eight kids below me, more and more adding above me.
We giggle.
A boy slips,
No! Push against the sides!
He slips,
then gives.
Like dominoes, one body strikes another.


I see something new,a white and red sign,
that tells everyone that this place is a park.
The fields, basketball courts, and playground are the same, but
rules and regulations now exist that did not yesterday.
“Dogs must always be on a leash.”
My dogs and I move past the sign. Kids play
in and around the chute that used to be mine.
“Grounder!” a kid calls.
“You’re it!”
A girl flies through the air.
She smacks her body to the pole and balances
on a small circle of cement.
She challenges back,
“I wasn’t touching the ground.
Not it!”
My dogs and I walk on
until we reach a fenced in spot where
the grass grows in patches.
I let the leashes go
and observe their legs charge
across the field.


Late, late one Thanksgiving night,
I storm towards the park, smarting from the family quarrel,
and clenching my car keys.
I twist in the swing and drag my feet through the sand.
My lungs fill with air.
I stare at the empty chutes, barren fields, and blank sidewalks.
Suddenly
My skin prickles. My stomach tightens.
Cockroaches scurry.
No one is there.
No one will grab me and drag me into the deep shadows
cast by the trees.
No one will hear me scream.
No one will hear my feet
slap on the sidewalk, my loud breathing,
or the latch on the lock thudding home.

Nicest Thing

by Kate Nash. It is my favorite song at this time. I have never been so obsessed about a song that I put it on daily. I can not tell you why I love the song so much. I enjoy Kate Nash's voice. I enjoy the melody. I enjoy the lyrics. The lyrics really speak to the romantic in me. They are about wanting someone (in my mind a man, but I do not believe she states a gender)to love her which of course I want someone to love me. Maybe not as extreme as the examples in the song because I do want him to be able to eat even if I was not in his life. I want a practical man but part of me is like "Yes, waste away because I'm gone."

I'm not saying that I would be ready for that type of love. If the perfect guy for me came up and said "Hi." I'm sure I would say "Hello" back but once I realized what he wanted... wait... the perfect guy for me would realize that I would need to take things slow so would have little problem with me going away for a few years to travel. I told people if I found the right guy now I would travel with him. I meant it at the time, but it is no longer true. I want to travel by myself, maybe with a friend, but I want the freedom to do what I want without feeling selfish.

Picking through rasbperries and seeing the sun rise

Those activities occur because of my job. I noticed the sunrise this morning. The pink strands are slight compared to the glory that can be the sunset. I'm not sure why.

I see several sunrises now. I also pick through raspberries because they go bad so fast. I want to make a fruit bowl look pretty but bam! squishy berry with white spots. I make a rim shot into the trash. I sorted through a plastic container when I realized I do not mind my job. I enjoy it more because of the picking through raspberries. It is nice to just reach in and throw some on, but my job is so much more interesting when I have to fix the problems. I then decided that I would stick with this job for at least a year.

I was wrong.

I dislike all the work they heap on the morning crew because we work hard. I don't want to see the sunrise unless I'm waking in the wilderness. I don't want to work 9 hour shifts where I fight for my 20 minutes of sitting time. And no that is not all at one time. I like serving so I'm going to search for a serving job for lunch and dinner. Where they play fun movies. And there is more than two servers to do all the work.

30 minutes a day

I keep telling myself to write at least 30 minutes a day. It is going as well as me telling myself to practice 30 minutes a day on my bass when I was younger. Of course, other people were telling me to do that and I thought it was probably a good idea. I still do. Of course, as the people who have lived with me can attest, I rarely play my bass. I do practice more often when others are not around, but frankly I just do not practice much at all. I enjoy my bass. I enjoy writing. I have trouble motivating myself to do either.

Writing seems to be winning... because I'm actually doing it at this moment. Expect more blogs. I might even ramble a full 30 minutes in them but I doubt it because I try not to bore others, and I will be making myself proofread. Blah, rereading my own work. Another idea that always sounded good when I was younger that I did not implement.

I have accepted that I will never be a musician that practices much. I wonder about the future. Will I have resigned myself to the fact that I enjoy writing but I do not do it? I play bass because I'm in a symphony. I joined it of my own free will and it is my way of keeping my bass active in my world. I plan on signing up for another writing course so I can keep writing in my life. I'm more excited for writing and also I'm older. I know more of what I'm getting myself into by making this choice. Writing fits for me after I get started. It just is a bit more work than I wanted to do when I was younger and I never got good reviews. I got mostly good grades but every red mark was a sting to my pride. I could not accept those stings back then.

I'm reading basically a biography about a travel writer at this moment (from an overdue library book. Ahh, library fees). He mentions that writers have large egos because they believe their words and works should be printed. (He is rather more eloquent. I will post the direct quote later). I smiled at that. My ego is rather large and that is why all my blogs are public. I want people to read my words and thoughts. I do believe I will be writing more.

Anyway, look forward to more blogs and me commenting on the fact that I should be writing more.

Summer = shift in goals

I walked down the hall at the Hilton to look at my schedule. Chef was walking towards me talking on her cell phone. I make eye contact, but have no plans on conversing with her. She stops and says "Scott is in labor." Of course, she means Scott's wife but I know what she means. She says they left my schedule blank so they could fit me in. I go look at my schedule. I have the whole week off. Last week, there was three servers: Juan, Scott, and me. This week there is is a new guy and he got hours before me. Scott's wife did not go into labor yesterday when the schedule was made so I know where I stand with the Hilton. I cat fought with Juan, another server, last week because he is all about him so he will take tables. In his mind, he is not stealing those tables because they were his to begin with. It does not matter. I will probably get some hours this week but then they will keep me on the payroll so their turn over does not look so bad and just in case of emergencies.

I knew this job was mortal and I was probably going to be cut from summer. I had no clue it would happen so fast or they would be so obvious. The biggest deal is that I need to gear my career search up. Well, if I have all of next week off, I will have plenty of time. My symphony and class are done so I have nothing planned for this summer. I was planning on trying to date more but I never can focus on dating that much when I do not have a job. Perhaps I will change that.

Positive news! I went to my class last night and he talked about publishing with journal. My excitement levels rose at the idea of doing research on the type of journals that I like and that might accept my work. I also will have to create a database to track which poems I have sent to which journals and when I did that. I only have two poems that I would be willing to send out. I will post them later. I have one other poem that I think is valuable. It takes 6 months to hear back but who cares! I always thought about being a teacher at a university. I would groan at the idea of having to do research and publish scientific work. That is because I do not belong in the sciences at all. The idea of publishing my written work excites me and I realize that is what schools look for in their teachers. That does not seem like a burden to me. It is just sharing what I enjoy with the world. I'm still unsure about being a writer full time, but this field has excited more than any other in my life. The exception being traveling. I do not want to be a travel writer, but maybe I should do more research on that.

I applied to a dream job - teaching board games to kids! That would have rocked but I have not heard back from them. I wanted that job very badly. This is so cool for me. I'm still unsure about direction but I see jobs that I would like to work.
Look forward to my poems!

Food and thoughts

I have added sitemeter to my blog! It was not that hard, but I still had a moment of frustration because I was trying to imitate Grumpator and my meter is located on a different part of my page. I felt tech smart for that moment when I saw the logo. I really just need to have more patience with computers.

I work in a restaurant. I have access to free soda and fatty foods. I also get up really early and rarely eat something right away. This has lead to my pants just being a bit tight... today. I only drank the soda for a little bit. My bane lately is hot chocolate. I have been drinking that every other day. Today was a big food day. I ate a great meal with family which included the bro and grandparents (just arrived from out of town). My enjoyment of fruit has been growing so my plate was mostly fruit salad and plain salad, but I do love salad dressing. I had a bit of potato, some corn beef, and cabbage. There was apparently a deal on corn beef. My mother is very excited. I then went to a work party where I had pizza, a potato skin, and a tiny Dr. Pepper. I then had some delicious cake and cheese. Yummmm, cheese. Delicious fatty cheese. I had feta cheese on my salad as well.

I work in a restaurant. I do not believe I will ever be a server again. I sometimes enjoy the work but I'm starting to get that feeling of dreading even thinking of work because I get so down and disappointed. I also feel that serving is boring and I'm just done with it. I still might be a delivery driver in the future because it is usually only a few hours at a time. The best is the independence. Driving all by yourself and only having to deal with co-workers and management in small chunks.

On to funnier times, there was a geek mixer at Changing Hands Bookstore. It was interesting and a bit awkward. I truly got the picture that geeks are not usually good looking or socially skilled. I left during the trivia part. It started out with a guy auction that did not do that well. There was awkward mingling and then Love connection. There were two different girls and two different "games". I feel just a tad bad for bachelor #1 because the announcer always went to him first. This gives #3 much more time to think of a response, and now that I think back, #3 won both time. The organizers should have remembered the old show and mixed it up. Number 1, 3, then 2, and then craziness. After I left, there was a girl auction which I wish I had been part of. The reason I even know about the girl auction is that the one gentleman I bid on found me on Facebook. This could be interesting but he is very young.

I cannot write about my Mangrid too much here because I realized that this a public blog connected to my Facebook account and searchable with my handle. So... details will have to be told in person but my gird is up to 1.5 guys. I do not know if I have time for a full four.

I was just pondering the difference of my blogs with some of the others I read. My blog is always about my personal life and what I'm thinking. Others are much better about putting information out there that is useful and not seemingly directly connected to them. It is. They would not blog about something they do not find interesting, but their use of I is much less. I might try to write in the style once in a while, but this is my style. I do not find it wrong. Just interesting to note and think about the differences.

Oh, my writing has not been going well this week. I like the idea of being a writer but do not know if I have enough self discipline to work at home. I plan on entering a writing contest. No plans on winning but if I do want to be a writer, I need to start getting used to rejection. Hmmm, maybe dating a lot will also help out.

Four Man Plan

I do not know if everyone knows that I'm kinda dating this new guy. He could be just a friend because we are seeing where it will lead, and so far that has equaled no touching. He is recently (like really recently) divorced and we are both awkward when it comes to this whole dating thing. He has taught me that I'm ready for dating. I do not think we will end up dating but he is very sweet.

This has lead me to actual message guys on OkCupid where they have not contacted me back but I have only started recently so I will have patience. I also was telling my stories to people. A very cool chick mention the "Four Man Plan". I looked it up on youtube and it was pretty dang hilarious. I'm now going to try it out. I feel a bit weird doing dating with rules, but they are fun ideas. The rules are basically go out with guys who ask you and give them at least two dates. There is also definitions for how much each man is worth like 1/4,1/2, 1 and so on. In the four man grid, one man is equal to four parts. The quarters are men that you just get their phone numbers and it is early. Half is someone that gets past date 2. I made my own little grid and will try this out. I put the grid on my fridge.

I will keep everyone posted. If you know anyone that you want to hook me up with, just tell me.

Reading List rock

I stole this from Grumpator. BBC said that they believe people would only have read 6 out of the 10o books listed below. Technically they include series of books so there are quite a few more book than 100 but there are 100 enteries.
I noticed a lot of Jane Austin and that will pump up my numbers since I went through a Jane Austen phase.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen - yes
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien - No (I have tried and tried. I can't do it. I won't do it!)
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte - yes
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling - No (Again, I tried the first book. Blah. And the movies engrage me.)
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee - yes
6 The Bible – no ( Again I tried. I felt since it influenced so many people I should read it. I got bored in Genesis)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte - yes
8 1984 - George Orwell - 1/2 (I hate you Orwell. I tried to read this book but started to get a sneaky suspicion half way. I got grupmy and put it down)
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman - No
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens - yes
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott - yes
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy - no
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller – no
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare - I have read Hamlet, Othello, Taming of the Shrew, Much Ado about Nothing, and one other.
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier -no
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien - yes
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks - no
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger - yes (Only because I had a 3 hour waiting session at an airport. It was a painful read)
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger - No
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot- no
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell - no
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald - Yes
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens- no
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy - no
25 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams - yes
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh - no
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky - No
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck -Yes
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll - yes
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame - no
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy - no
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens - no
33 The Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis - 1/2 (I might have read them all but it was a long time ago. I remember reading the first 3 at least. I'm unsure abou the rest)
34 Emma - Jane Austen - yes
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen - yes (My favorite of Jane Austin!)
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe -yes
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini - No
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres- No
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden - no
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - Yes
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell - Yes
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown - No (Started it but got through only 4 chapters)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - no
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving - no
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins - No
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery - yes
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy - No
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood - Yes (Love it!)
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding - yes
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan - no
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel - No
52 Dune - Frank Herbert- yes
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons - No
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen - yes
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth - no
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon - No
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - yes
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley - Yes (Very similiar to the movie)
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon - No
50 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez - No
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck - yes
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov - no
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt - no
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold - yes
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas - No
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac - no
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy - no
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding - no
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie - no
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville - no (Own it but have not tried yet)
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens - No
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker - yes
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett - yes
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson - No
75 Ulysses - James Joyce - no
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath - no
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome - No
78 Germinal - Emile Zola - no
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray - No
80 Possession - AS Byatt- no
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens - yes
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell - No
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker - no
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro - no
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert - no
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry - no
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White - yes
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom - no
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - yes but not all
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton - No
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad - no
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupe - yes
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks - No
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams - No
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole - yes (only because a friend and I were doing a book club. I detest this book)
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute - No
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas - no
98 Hamlet – Shakespeare – yes
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl - yes
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo - no

My total was 33 but I read 7 of these books in school. I'm actually interested in reading most of these though maybe not "THe Five People you meet in Heaven).

Writing Goals and more

I'm a procrastinator. I have trouble doing things unless I have a deadline or some structure. One of the reasons I am in a symphony. I rarely practice and I always desire to practice more, yet it never seems to happen. When the symphony is going on, I play at least once a week. I'm actually practicing as well. Not much, but more than zero. This fact makes me happy.

I joined my writing class so I would have structure and deadlines. I do know myself well, but I'm still not writing. I have now developed this rule that states that I need to write at least 30 minutes a day. This means I write anything but poem and short stories. But hey, the goal is to write and maybe if I get in the habit, I will write other things. I have so SO much free time at work that I end up writing for more than 30 minutes easy.

For Lent, I gave up my reflection. This is because I look at myself too much in mirrors and shiny things. I can look at mirrors to do make up and check my teeth. Basically, I can check out my appearance for work to make sure I look presentable. I have since been amazed by how much I try to check myself out. It could be a reaction because I have told myself no, but sadly I believe I may be a bit vain. Just looked up the word vain. I'm not excessively proud but still very proud. I have been checking out my shadow and trying to convince myself that peripheral vision does not count. Funny and sad.

I play on Twitter more. Also, I will be writing more here so I won't have to write my stories. Oh right, if you see grammar errors, please tell me so I can improve my writing skills.
Ciao!

Who hates their job already?

Me!

I swear I might not be meant for work. I was disappointed with this job right away but held out hope because it was training. There still exists annoying co-workers and bad management. I have also learned about a question I should ask during the interview. What are the policies for meal breaks and breaks in general?

I worked a 10 hour shift today that started at 5am. I took like 20 minutes in breaks and a co-worker gave me a hard time about it. That is all legal in Arizona. I want to work for a company that respects me. So bad. I do better with food. I have problems because working with people all day drains me and doing routine things drains me. I need variety. If I do not get variety than I need breaks.

So I proclaim:

I am looking for a job that needs a degree and pays at least 30,000. I will work on my resume and cover letters. I will try harder than ever before.

End of proclaim

I want to travel and be away so bad. I will do what I have to do to make that dream come true.

Valetine's update

Today feels like Sunday. I have to work tomorrow at 5:30am so it means I will be going to bed in like 13 minutes. There will not be much to talk about my job because I dislike it. I thought I disliked serving because the management was bad at Old Spaghetti Factory. Apparently I do not like management in restaurants period. I still like serving people but there is more to it than that.

I like serving people. I need to analyze why that it is and put it in my notes for when I'm looking for the career I want. Romantic relationships are like careers. There is not just one out for you but a great one is still not common.

This job also does not pay enough. It pays the same as the jobs I had in the past, but I have changed. I have dreams with deadlines. I wanted to own a condo and be traveling by May 2010. That is unreasonable. The current goal is still to own a condo in about a year or so. It will take some time to get renters and it all set up. During this time, I will also look for programs where I can teach English in other countries so I can live some where and earn money to travel more. I will also look for a job that pays better around 30,000 because that is the money I need to be making to achieve the dream.

I play tons of facebook games. I practice my bass but not enough. I do not clean my room. I do take LuDog to the dog park.

I love writing. I'm struggling with the latest poem. It has to be titled, "New Strain of Intelligent Acne discovered." I'm struggling because I'm not writing it. My last poem I wrote a bit and I was thinking about it constantly. This one not so much. I believe I'm overthinking it. The one after that is to start the poem with a fact and go. I'm excited for that one. I will be posting "The Park" soon. It has taught me to be more confident in my writing. I do not write "I believe" and "I think" as much. I also assume that things flow because I wrote them.

I enjoy Valetine's Day. I'm a bit bummed that I did not get anyone any Valetine's cards. Cheesy ones with dogs and princess stating that we are best friends. I have no problem with being single. I enjoy it so, but I'm slightly looking. I just have to detach dating with long term relationship. I so do not want the last one that at times I cannot even think of dating.

Off to iron.

Wrap up of the year of the Earth Rat

I have been checking the internet a lot about chinese astrology. There is a part of me that just likes astrology and really really wants it to be true. The rest and biggest part of me knows that there is nothing substantial there. Just so everyone knows, the year of the Earth Ox will be starting January 26th. I seem to remember that the recommended course is to be patient and steady like an Ox!

I got to say that the year of the Earth Rat was very interesting. I'm especially liking the end of it. I'm getting comfortable at home. Unpacking a lot of my stuff except for the kitchen gear. I have lots of time to unpack and practice my bass for the next week and a bit. I got a job! I have decided to stick with it for a while so I'm not worrying about getting a second job. What is it?

The Hilton is opening a new hotel at teh 101 and 202. I went to the job fair where I waited two hours to get interviewed. It turned out to be worth it because I got the job. I am a server/hostess/banquet server. It is in the AM so I have to be at work by 6am or 6:30am. Not looking forward to that but I will be done with my day by noon.

This will give me plenty of time to do other things. I have decided that most of those things will be creative ventures. I have been practicing my bass daily Cough for two days, but hope that to continue. I wrote half of a short story while waiting in a public health clinic. I'm actually achieving my dream of writing. I never considered it a dream but it has been floating around in the back of my head for a long time. I always thought I was never good enough and I knew I could not take criticism well. I then realized "Fuck it". I will write these stories for myself and I have toughened up. (I hope) So... I'm trying to sign up for a Creative Writing course. The problem being that my Eng 105 ( a honor course at ASU) which counted for Eng 101/102 at ASU only counts at Eng 101 at MCC. I would have to take Eng 102 if the teacher does not approve. I believe I have enough writing experience from my whole five years to count. I really hope so because I do not know if I would take Eng 102 again.

It is unbelievable that I have been back a month. I'm adjusting back. I have not seen some of you which is sad. I hope that is corrected in the future. I plan on sharing the stories that I did not have time to write while traveling, later, here in this blog. I will also be posting my stories so look forward to that. This year will be a re-grouping year. Last year was a healing OMG this will never end - transformation year. This year I want to clean some stuff out - literally and figuratively. I practice my bass and wash the dishes everyday. I'm starting to work out regularly. I need to go through my email accounts and delete like mad. I have unpacked most of my boxes so I'm starting to feel more settled. I want to live elsewhere. I enjoy living with my parents but Chandler is just a bit out of the loop. I'm looking forward to new skills: the writing, cooking (I have mostly gone vegetarian), and becoming a GM. I also desire to write here much more.

Final thought
I'm addicted to Facebook games at this time.

Sick and Resume time

I have been sick this whole weekend and decided I would share it with the world. I started to feel a tickle in my thoart when playing games with Grumpator and Chris, but did not worry about it. Every morning I have been waking up to snort green mucus out of my nose. I know, what a pleasant image.

I did eat soup and rest some what but not really. I did a small workout that was mostly setting up machines. The next day, I watched the Cardinals game at Christian's house with Mike and Christian. Christian was really sweet and made me soup with some garlic bread. I then went to two different parties. One was in Apache Junction where I learned that the world is small. I ran into this guy I had meet through my ex who knew his ex back in the day when we were all not ex's. His roommate worked with this 21 year old who was having the birthday party. And the birthday boy's father lived next door to LuAnne and Christian.

I then went to Giorgos's party where I had a blast. I was not expecting to have a blast but it was fun. I got a chance to play Rayman's Raving Rabbids:TV Party which I love. It is where I fell in love with this song called "Acceptable in the 80's". I also talked to a guy who had recently got out of a bad relationship. He was so different. He was more talkative, confident, and all around fun. I have know this guy for years and it showed me the power that bad relationships have on a person. This got me looking at my own bad relationship and see just how much I struggled to stay positive which I could not do. Will try to be aware of how my future relationships affect me without being paranoid.

Yesterday I got my hair trimmed (it is hard to notice a difference) because I have decided to stick with longer hair for a while. Then I went to a different gathering that was cozy but not amazing fun. That is fine because it was nice to just chill on the couch with some friends.

The problem is that my sleep schedule is getting more and more off. I feel good at night so play video games or read later and later. I started at midnight, then one, then two, and lastly four in the morning. This equeals me getting up later and later. This has probably not helped me getting better. Today I will work on the resume and not push myself. This is a good time because I found some job openings that need a resume. Apparently CPA's still help so I will go back to my clerical roots.

Oh, I also had an interview with a Pizza joint called Spinato. It was actually the company that I had the best vibe for a place where I would want to work. The prices looked reasonable and the food descriptions looked good. But seriously that is a job of a menu so I would like to try the food even if I do not get the job. I think I interviewed alright. I got a good vibe afterwards but sometimes that is wrong, and the competition is fierce these days. The address is Spinato's Pizza - North Tempe
277 South Smith Road Tempe, AZ 85281. They had some good vegetarian options as well. The pay is onlu 7.25 plus tips at first but there is potential to work up to a server. I really want a job because I have this credit card debit that is making me itching.

Anyway, I'm going to go eat some soup and play video games. Once I get a job, look forward to hearing me blog about finding a place and a roommate. After that is all settle, then I will probably write about wanting to find a nice man and doing research on trips. And I'm sure I will write about looking for a better job. A short summary of my next year.
Ciao!