I do not know why I have this trait, but I do not like to admit when I'm stressed. When I was younger, I would often say I did not get stressed. I'm not sure how true that was since my memories are biased. I need to focus on the positive about myself right now. In the past, I felt I was too angry and was not comfortable dating or making friends. I had issues with not being good enough in certain fields like writing or speaking Spanish, so I studied other fields. I had no direction and would not let myself think about it.
I'm focusing - in more ways than one. I dropped my IT class because I was not enjoying it and I learned what I needed from that class. I know computers alright and I need patience to fix them. Otherwise, the class was taking up my time with attending class and doing tedious homework. I'm tired all the time so I decided to try to make some time to relax and sleep.
I'm also trying to focus on only doing a few activities at a time so I can do them well. I'm trying to play my bass and write more. I'm also giving myself permission to not worry if I do not do them as well as I would like or if I struggle with them. I'm actually practicing more than I ever had. I'm not writing but it is okay to have slumps. The important part is to figure out how much I enjoy it. That is just an awkward sentence. I need to figure out if I enjoy it. Wouldn’t be obvious?
I enjoy writing. I enjoy being creative but it is hard. I’m scared of not being good enough or I will not put enough time into the activity. I will not worry anymore about figuring out if I enjoy it. I will just try to do it and if it does not happen, then the answer will be obvious.
I'm slowly dealing with the big issues in my head. I have blithely talking about surgery like I will not be unconscious on a table will people I do not know that well cut inside of me. That image, no, the reality of that situation freaks me out. I'm taking hormones right now to hopefully shrink the fibroid. I wait and will see what the fibroid does.
My stepfather receives acupuncture. His quality of life is higher but he has stage 4 cancer that is not responding to any treatment. I'm now the executor of my mother's will, just part of the duties of being the eldest. I also get the joys of going to the will writing because of family drama.
School ends this Thursday. The big test happens then. Will I continue to write? Will I look for a job that fits me better?
