Yesterday I went on a date with the new guy who I shall call Bicycle Man or Bikey for short. We rode bikes to Golfland and did two courses. We would have done the last one if we had time and if the course had not been closed. I had a lot of fun because Bikey is a cool nice guy. It was an okay date. It was fun but I still think I messed things up for myself.
We both have been hurt in the past and I believe we are both not in a place to be serious because we do not want to be hurt again. Sadly, this leads us to being dumb and getting hurt again. I know that sometimes I focus on the negative when I tell stories to everyone and I'm sorry. I think this paints a picture of a guy for my friends that is not accurate. I also have my faults. I recently told Bikey that he would never met my friends because what would the point be since we are not going anywhere. Way to shoot myself in the foot. I'm sure when he tells that story to his friends I'm going to look like a douche or bitch. I will take it back and he is welcome to meet my friends if it comes up. Just because there is no long term future does not mean I should limit the present.
I get defensive and this guy has given me permission to be completely honest and this has lead to me poking at him because sadly I cannot control myself sometimes. Happily enough so far, Bikey has stuck around and had fun with it. We earned requests of each other when we got holes in one. I asked for coloring and for him to read me a short story. I then realized I asked a kindergarten teacher to color and do story time. Oops. I will change the story time to a date where we wear each other clothes in public. I'm thinking he could pull of my heron skirt and pretty green top. He asked me to drunk dial him the first time I get drunk no matter how far in the future and how things ended. I think that is hilarious and will do. I implied that I was going to ask him to eat cat food. He was kinda grossed out.
I still feel that we have had too many serious talks and they started because of Bikey but are continuing because of me. I'm going to try to keep it light and fluffy. Here is some future plans that I think would be fun. Playing in the mud and making mud forts in his backyard (because I do not have one). Going to the park to eat popsicles, feed the ducks, and have a picnic. Anyone else have fun ideas?
I'm emailing other guys and keeping my eyes open for other men, but time is such a factor. I am scared that if Bikey and I only date each other it will get exclusive just because that seems to happen, but I have to just tell myself that does not mean it will be serious. I will strive to be more positive! Not just at dating but work as well. I will still tell negative stories but I will try to temper them.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Writing More
I have been writing more... just not here. I have found my ambition is returning. My life is packed but my brain is telling me to do more! I need to as always find a good balance. Work is alright though I'm bored. I have gotten even better at being a server especially the side work that I was so slow at because I disliked it so much. I'm learning some good lessons about office politics at a job that does not matter so much to me.
School is going well but I do not know how I did it in college. I know I worked less but I truly think that my being such an introvert in college meant I had time to do class work... or it was easy for me. Writing is not easy for me. I fight myself to sit down to do it and it is just a lot of work. You have to write the first draft and get ideas down. Try to find the deeper story and do more drafts! I do not even know grammar like I want to. My IT class is interesting just because I had fear about computers and really I just need patience.
Patience is what I need in the other main worries in my life right now - dating and health. I probably shared the story about the guy I'm dating (but not serious) to too many people which is amusing since I was angry about him sharing too much so I go out and share too much. I did think we were a lot alike. I had a talk to him about it and it is better. I point blanked asked him "Are you a douche? Do you like to f**k with people's emotions for fun?" He said no. I think I asked it that way because I was pushing him away. He was disrespectful but it was not horrible. It is just easier for me to be single. I will continue to date him because I need the practice. He is fun and I like him. He is just annoying and most likely not long term dating material for me, but I remembered that I was not looking for long term. At this point, I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I want which is irritating because I have always prided myself on knowing myself. I did want to experience new things. Oh right, I'm also emailing other men on OkCupid but time is starting to be a factor. Dating uses up lots of time and I have other things I want to do.
Patience is a great factor in the health area. I almost jumped into surgery too fast. I'm getting a second opinion October 19th so I have to be patient but I don't want to. I only have slight back pain once in a while so I can live with it. My period started today and I'm not having massive pain in my back or abdomen so my worries are less. It is early so maybe I will get a surprise later but at this time I have less fear. Maybe I will have time to find a better job that has benefits, but since that implies I would be searching for a job, I'm unsure about that actually happening.
The friend and family front is great. Dating has made me think about my friends and family. I'm now making more time to see and hang out with people. I'm content.
School is going well but I do not know how I did it in college. I know I worked less but I truly think that my being such an introvert in college meant I had time to do class work... or it was easy for me. Writing is not easy for me. I fight myself to sit down to do it and it is just a lot of work. You have to write the first draft and get ideas down. Try to find the deeper story and do more drafts! I do not even know grammar like I want to. My IT class is interesting just because I had fear about computers and really I just need patience.
Patience is what I need in the other main worries in my life right now - dating and health. I probably shared the story about the guy I'm dating (but not serious) to too many people which is amusing since I was angry about him sharing too much so I go out and share too much. I did think we were a lot alike. I had a talk to him about it and it is better. I point blanked asked him "Are you a douche? Do you like to f**k with people's emotions for fun?" He said no. I think I asked it that way because I was pushing him away. He was disrespectful but it was not horrible. It is just easier for me to be single. I will continue to date him because I need the practice. He is fun and I like him. He is just annoying and most likely not long term dating material for me, but I remembered that I was not looking for long term. At this point, I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I want which is irritating because I have always prided myself on knowing myself. I did want to experience new things. Oh right, I'm also emailing other men on OkCupid but time is starting to be a factor. Dating uses up lots of time and I have other things I want to do.
Patience is a great factor in the health area. I almost jumped into surgery too fast. I'm getting a second opinion October 19th so I have to be patient but I don't want to. I only have slight back pain once in a while so I can live with it. My period started today and I'm not having massive pain in my back or abdomen so my worries are less. It is early so maybe I will get a surprise later but at this time I have less fear. Maybe I will have time to find a better job that has benefits, but since that implies I would be searching for a job, I'm unsure about that actually happening.
The friend and family front is great. Dating has made me think about my friends and family. I'm now making more time to see and hang out with people. I'm content.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I lost my biggest gamble
I, like many 20 somethings, was gambling with health insurance. I could have even got health insurance through my work but talked it over with my mother and just thought for what I needed, it did not provide. I could save my own money for preventive medicine.
I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.
I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.
I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".
This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.
I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.
While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.
I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.
I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.
I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".
This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.
I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.
While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.
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