Writing Assignment

I am the family resident writer so my mother asked me to write Troy's obituary. I told her I would. I still have not written it. She asked me if I wanted to do it again today and I told her no. I will. I have done some research tonight and it will need to be done in the next few days.

I also plan on writing my poem titled Mariella and Corbin by Monday night. It is about me washing dishes while watching my daughter and son play in the mud. I put some dishes away and when I turn around they are gone. This is because they never existed and will never be able to (I have no more news about my fibroid, but I have my fears). Maybe I will also write a poem about bleeding out on an operating table or waking up without a uterus.

I'm also dating a loser. I know this. I imagine dating a honorable man who respects me. We hike across the States and scuba dive in the oceans around the world. He brings me soup and leaves me alone when I'm sick. Later, he yells and punches walls because we both know he is dying sooner rather than later. I push the pain medication button for him as he grimaces in pain and cannot push it for himself. I'm not ready for love. I watch my mother not cry as she holds Troy's hand for hours. She pets his hair and kisses his cheek. He does not respond
to most people but mostly for her, he gurgles out a noise. She walks into her room and I hold her while she sobs into my shoulder. I do not know when I will be ready.

Worries

I do not know why I have this trait, but I do not like to admit when I'm stressed. When I was younger, I would often say I did not get stressed. I'm not sure how true that was since my memories are biased. I need to focus on the positive about myself right now. In the past, I felt I was too angry and was not comfortable dating or making friends. I had issues with not being good enough in certain fields like writing or speaking Spanish, so I studied other fields. I had no direction and would not let myself think about it.

I'm focusing - in more ways than one. I dropped my IT class because I was not enjoying it and I learned what I needed from that class. I know computers alright and I need patience to fix them. Otherwise, the class was taking up my time with attending class and doing tedious homework. I'm tired all the time so I decided to try to make some time to relax and sleep.

I'm also trying to focus on only doing a few activities at a time so I can do them well. I'm trying to play my bass and write more. I'm also giving myself permission to not worry if I do not do them as well as I would like or if I struggle with them. I'm actually practicing more than I ever had. I'm not writing but it is okay to have slumps. The important part is to figure out how much I enjoy it. That is just an awkward sentence. I need to figure out if I enjoy it. Wouldn’t be obvious?

I enjoy writing. I enjoy being creative but it is hard. I’m scared of not being good enough or I will not put enough time into the activity. I will not worry anymore about figuring out if I enjoy it. I will just try to do it and if it does not happen, then the answer will be obvious.

I'm slowly dealing with the big issues in my head. I have blithely talking about surgery like I will not be unconscious on a table will people I do not know that well cut inside of me. That image, no, the reality of that situation freaks me out. I'm taking hormones right now to hopefully shrink the fibroid. I wait and will see what the fibroid does.

My stepfather receives acupuncture. His quality of life is higher but he has stage 4 cancer that is not responding to any treatment. I'm now the executor of my mother's will, just part of the duties of being the eldest. I also get the joys of going to the will writing because of family drama.

School ends this Thursday. The big test happens then. Will I continue to write? Will I look for a job that fits me better?

Dating

Yesterday I went on a date with the new guy who I shall call Bicycle Man or Bikey for short. We rode bikes to Golfland and did two courses. We would have done the last one if we had time and if the course had not been closed. I had a lot of fun because Bikey is a cool nice guy. It was an okay date. It was fun but I still think I messed things up for myself.

We both have been hurt in the past and I believe we are both not in a place to be serious because we do not want to be hurt again. Sadly, this leads us to being dumb and getting hurt again. I know that sometimes I focus on the negative when I tell stories to everyone and I'm sorry. I think this paints a picture of a guy for my friends that is not accurate. I also have my faults. I recently told Bikey that he would never met my friends because what would the point be since we are not going anywhere. Way to shoot myself in the foot. I'm sure when he tells that story to his friends I'm going to look like a douche or bitch. I will take it back and he is welcome to meet my friends if it comes up. Just because there is no long term future does not mean I should limit the present.

I get defensive and this guy has given me permission to be completely honest and this has lead to me poking at him because sadly I cannot control myself sometimes. Happily enough so far, Bikey has stuck around and had fun with it. We earned requests of each other when we got holes in one. I asked for coloring and for him to read me a short story. I then realized I asked a kindergarten teacher to color and do story time. Oops. I will change the story time to a date where we wear each other clothes in public. I'm thinking he could pull of my heron skirt and pretty green top. He asked me to drunk dial him the first time I get drunk no matter how far in the future and how things ended. I think that is hilarious and will do. I implied that I was going to ask him to eat cat food. He was kinda grossed out.

I still feel that we have had too many serious talks and they started because of Bikey but are continuing because of me. I'm going to try to keep it light and fluffy. Here is some future plans that I think would be fun. Playing in the mud and making mud forts in his backyard (because I do not have one). Going to the park to eat popsicles, feed the ducks, and have a picnic. Anyone else have fun ideas?

I'm emailing other guys and keeping my eyes open for other men, but time is such a factor. I am scared that if Bikey and I only date each other it will get exclusive just because that seems to happen, but I have to just tell myself that does not mean it will be serious. I will strive to be more positive! Not just at dating but work as well. I will still tell negative stories but I will try to temper them.

Writing More

I have been writing more... just not here. I have found my ambition is returning. My life is packed but my brain is telling me to do more! I need to as always find a good balance. Work is alright though I'm bored. I have gotten even better at being a server especially the side work that I was so slow at because I disliked it so much. I'm learning some good lessons about office politics at a job that does not matter so much to me.

School is going well but I do not know how I did it in college. I know I worked less but I truly think that my being such an introvert in college meant I had time to do class work... or it was easy for me. Writing is not easy for me. I fight myself to sit down to do it and it is just a lot of work. You have to write the first draft and get ideas down. Try to find the deeper story and do more drafts! I do not even know grammar like I want to. My IT class is interesting just because I had fear about computers and really I just need patience.

Patience is what I need in the other main worries in my life right now - dating and health. I probably shared the story about the guy I'm dating (but not serious) to too many people which is amusing since I was angry about him sharing too much so I go out and share too much. I did think we were a lot alike. I had a talk to him about it and it is better. I point blanked asked him "Are you a douche? Do you like to f**k with people's emotions for fun?" He said no. I think I asked it that way because I was pushing him away. He was disrespectful but it was not horrible. It is just easier for me to be single. I will continue to date him because I need the practice. He is fun and I like him. He is just annoying and most likely not long term dating material for me, but I remembered that I was not looking for long term. At this point, I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not know what I want which is irritating because I have always prided myself on knowing myself. I did want to experience new things. Oh right, I'm also emailing other men on OkCupid but time is starting to be a factor. Dating uses up lots of time and I have other things I want to do.

Patience is a great factor in the health area. I almost jumped into surgery too fast. I'm getting a second opinion October 19th so I have to be patient but I don't want to. I only have slight back pain once in a while so I can live with it. My period started today and I'm not having massive pain in my back or abdomen so my worries are less. It is early so maybe I will get a surprise later but at this time I have less fear. Maybe I will have time to find a better job that has benefits, but since that implies I would be searching for a job, I'm unsure about that actually happening.

The friend and family front is great. Dating has made me think about my friends and family. I'm now making more time to see and hang out with people. I'm content.

I lost my biggest gamble

I, like many 20 somethings, was gambling with health insurance. I could have even got health insurance through my work but talked it over with my mother and just thought for what I needed, it did not provide. I could save my own money for preventive medicine.

I had one of the worst periods last month. I started to cramp two days before which I thought it was karma/fate/whatever laughing at me because I had told a co-worker that I never got cramps before hand. It hurt really bad in my back. My period started but it did not get better. I just started to get cramps in the front. I started to take pain medication which I do not do. Really. I took more pills than I probably did in 2007 and 2008 combined. I only took about 10 in the first week. To get graphic for some, I had some clots but then I had a huge one 8 days in. I do not bleed that long so I went to the doctor.

I was not too worried because I thought I knew what was going on. The doctor thought it was just a hard period when he felt that my uterus was enlarged. There was a mass. He asked me twice if I wanted to have children in the future. I answered, "I do" as tears started to slid down my cheeks. I went and got a CAT scan.

I have a noncancerous (most likely) growth called a fibroid the size of an orange that might or might not have taken over my uterus. The CAT scan did not show if my uterus is tiny and still there or just totally enveloped by the fibroid. I do not have insurance and I'm not insurable at this time. I make too much money for AHCCCS so I'm going to get a personal loan. I asked the doctor how long I could wait. He said, "A month".

This has devastated me at times and been the priority in my life for the past two weeks. Work has been more supportive than I thought but still I worked a nine hour shift today where I did not get a break for 6 hours of it. I asked for a break but I only got one when I walked out of the restaurant and took it.

I will try to keep everyone posted on how it is going. I'm trying to stay positive that I will be able to get the money soon and get this surgery done this month. I will be in the hospital for two to three days. I can not work a physical job aka mine for about a month. I will want to have visitors in that time. Also, I want a job that I can sit and use the restroom when I want. Everyone please keep your eyes open. I will be working on my resume and looking harder than I have in a long time.

While this has all been going on, I have met a really nice guy. I have been dating him for two weeks and I really like him. He is a kindergarten teacher which means he can match me for energy and silliness. Well... he would match my energy level if my energy level was normal. I have been sleeping a lot. I do not know if it is mental, physical, or both. Anyway, he has added a positive note to a really rough two weeks.

A different type of woman

I visited my mom's last Sunday after work. I walked in and observed two little girls that I did not recognize. My brother explained that of course he was related to me since he had just told them that he was my brother. I then heard voices coming from the kitchen that I knew. The little girls were the children of an old family friend. Well, they are part of a family friend clan. I grew up calling their grandparents Aunt and Uncle. I then saw my dog. I pitched my voice highly and excitedly said "LuLu! Lu! Come here". I proceed to do what I always do when I visit my mother's. I loudly greeted and rubbed the dog for a few minutes.

I then went to the bathroom to get out of my dreaded uniform that is so hot and sweaty. I put on some cute pants and a top that shows off a lot of my breasts. I went back to the living room where my mom was highly surprised to see me. She wondered when I had snuck in. Snuck in? I had practically screamed Lu's name. Oh well, she was just glad to see me and I should say hi to everyone. I therefore went around the house greeting everyone.

I then got back to the Wii which my brother had borrowed and brought over. The girls were enjoying themselves and I spent quite a bit of time with them. Some great moments occurred during this visit. I ate beside the oldest, eight, who is the same size as her year younger sister. She informed me that it greatly annoyed her. Both of the girls did not eat much. I suggested to the oldest she would have more of a chance of getting bigger if she ate more. She just looked at me dismissively. I then went back for my third plate of food, I believe. The youngest bluntly proclaimed, "You eat a lot." Of course I do. I love food. And! I am small in size, showing that people can eat a lot, be small but still adult size. I'm not sure why but I got the sense that being tiny was important to the two girls. The two gaped at me. Weirdness one.

I sat back down. The oldest whispered that my bra was showing. I looked down. Indeed quite a bit of my bra was showing so I pushed part of the shirt back in place. She told me that my bra was still showing. I said "Well, yeah." She told me, "That was just wrong." I told her that it was all right. I liked it. I probably should wear an undershirt depending on the occasion, but I liked my boobs. She told me that was wrong because I was a kid. I laughed at her because she knew my age and that I lived on my own. I responded that I was really an adult and I could show off my boobs if I wanted to. She again looked at me like I was quite strange. Weirdness two.

I had to leave early so I put my shoes back on. The oldest again noticed from ten paces away that... gasp!... I have hair on my legs. She came over to stare and I told her that I in fact do not shave. "That is nasty! Nasty." I will admit that I was a bit saddened but told myself not to get upset about an 8 year old's opinion. Weirdness 3.

Hanging out with the girls just made me realize, I'm no where near what they consider a typical woman.

Amberwood Park

I'm tired but still want to post. So here is the first poem I ever wrote for my poetry class. It was the one that I revised the most and the one I entered into the contest. I did not win, but that is okay. Enjoy!



Amberwood Park


We decide to clog the chute.
I lie horizontally across,
and fight the slippery plastic surface.
Eight kids below me, more and more adding above me.
We giggle.
A boy slips,
No! Push against the sides!
He slips,
then gives.
Like dominoes, one body strikes another.


I see something new,a white and red sign,
that tells everyone that this place is a park.
The fields, basketball courts, and playground are the same, but
rules and regulations now exist that did not yesterday.
“Dogs must always be on a leash.”
My dogs and I move past the sign. Kids play
in and around the chute that used to be mine.
“Grounder!” a kid calls.
“You’re it!”
A girl flies through the air.
She smacks her body to the pole and balances
on a small circle of cement.
She challenges back,
“I wasn’t touching the ground.
Not it!”
My dogs and I walk on
until we reach a fenced in spot where
the grass grows in patches.
I let the leashes go
and observe their legs charge
across the field.


Late, late one Thanksgiving night,
I storm towards the park, smarting from the family quarrel,
and clenching my car keys.
I twist in the swing and drag my feet through the sand.
My lungs fill with air.
I stare at the empty chutes, barren fields, and blank sidewalks.
Suddenly
My skin prickles. My stomach tightens.
Cockroaches scurry.
No one is there.
No one will grab me and drag me into the deep shadows
cast by the trees.
No one will hear me scream.
No one will hear my feet
slap on the sidewalk, my loud breathing,
or the latch on the lock thudding home.